Two Things I Learned About Sex This Week

I’ve written a lot about sex. 

My wife coined the phrase “Men look for sex and find love.”

After 300 dates and 22 years of coaching, I thought I’d looked at this from every angle.

But there I was on my cruise, listening to a matchmaker drop a couple of truth bombs about the challenges of being a matchmaker who has to compete with hot guys on dating apps.

Truth Bomb #1: Why Men Lower Their Standards for Casual Sex and Women Raise Theirs

One of the most confusing things about modern dating is how differently men and women treat casual sex. You’ve probably noticed it yourself: men will sleep with women they have no intention of dating, while women often need a more attractive man to hop into bed.

It’s not your imagination. And it’s not a moral failing. It’s a real, measurable psychological phenomenon. Across multiple studies, researchers have repeatedly found the same pattern: When the context is casual sex, men tend to become less choosy and women become more selective.

Not because women are “prudes.” Not because men are “players.” But because each gender is responding to a different set of incentives and risks.

When men evaluate a casual partner, their standards shift downward. They’re less constrained by attractiveness, by emotional safety, by social judgment. They treat casual sex as opportunity-driven. The cost is low; the upside feels high.

Women deal with more safety concerns, more emotional fallout, more reputational scrutiny. So for a woman to say yes, the man often needs to be better-looking, more trustworthy, someone who clears a much higher bar to offset the added risk.

So yes, women often do “raise their standards” for casual sex. Because the stakes are higher. And men often do “lower theirs.” Because the stakes feel lower.

Once you understand that, a lot of confusing behavior becomes easier to make sense of:

• Why a man will sleep with a woman he doesn’t want to date.
• Why a woman can sleep with a man who doesn’t even make a good boyfriend.
• Why women often experience more disappointment or regret after casual encounters – not because they’re weak, but because they’re carrying more weight.

This isn’t about one gender being right or wrong. It’s about recognizing that casual sex is not a neutral experience. It’s asymmetrical. It lands differently for each person.

And if you’re a smart, successful woman who ultimately wants love, this matters. Because casual sex can create a temporary illusion of intimacy with a man who hasn’t demonstrated any real desire to invest in you. 

Truth Bomb #2: Hot Guys On Dating Apps Are NOT as Good As the The Men Who Hire Matchmakers

The other thing she said that stopped me in my tracks was that women often think the men they see on dating apps are “better” than the men a matchmaker introduces them to.

At first glance, that sounds completely backward. Isn’t the entire point of hiring a matchmaker to meet better men than you can find online?

In theory, yes. In practice, it’s more complicated.

When you swipe through thousands of profiles, you’re exposed to a much larger pool of men than any matchmaker could provide. Statistically, that means you’re more likely to come across a guy who looks like a fitness model. The algorithm can deliver you a shirtless six-pack in thirty seconds. A human matchmaker can’t.

But here’s the catch: that male model on Hinge is usually thrilled to sleep with you, but rarely wants to build a life with you. You already know this if you’ve ever gotten excited about a stunning guy online only to watch him disappear the moment things got real.

The man who works with a matchmaker is “better” in a different way. Not because he’s hotter than the random Adonis who slid into your DMs, but because he’s serious. He’s intentional. He’s willing to invest time, money, and vulnerability to find a long-term partner.

That’s what makes him valuable. So yes, apps may show you more eye candy. But the guy who invests in a matchmaker is the one investing in you.

If you are tired of dating online and want a man who is ready to commit, click here to book a call with me and I’ll refer you to the best matchmaker for your needs. 

Love,

Evan

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* This article was originally published here