Talk about money while dating to protect your marriage from trouble Standard Digital
* This article was originally published here
Saturday, February 29, 2020
How Daryl Davis Inspired More Than 200 White Supremacists To Change And How His New Platform Will Help Spark Meaningful Dialogue - Forbes
Friday, February 28, 2020
What It Takes To Moderate Relationship Advice On Reddit
There are many places one can get dating advice.
I’m more in the habit of giving than receiving so I wasn’t remotely aware of the size of the Reddit relationship advice community until I read this piece.
Last month, it recorded more than 40 million pageviews, and added an average of 1,516 new members each day.
With more than 2.6 million members, r/relationships is currently number 74 on the site by size —a little less popular than basketball, a little more popular than tattoos. Last month, it recorded more than 40 million pageviews, and added an average of 1,516 new members each day.
Let’s just say that’s a little more than this site gets.
The focus of the article is on the Reddit moderators. How do you keep such a huge, unwieldy community civil, especially in such an emotional and personal topic as relationships? Interestingly enough, they’ve arrived at the same conclusions I have.
The rules to this blog are pretty simple: don’t hijack the original post and don’t insult the host or readers directly. Pretty much everything else goes. Somehow, it works.
“In a 2015 paper parsing the “virtues of moderation,” the Cornell Law School internet-platform expert James Grimmelmann identified four types of behavior that moderation is meant to excise: congestion, cacophony, abuse, and manipulation. But taken in total, he wrote, “moderation is how online communities walk the tightrope between overuse and underuse.”
Reddit is a place for crowdsourced advice. People go and ask their own questions and get answers from the community at large.
This is a place in which a dating coach answers one question a week and readers offer their take in the comments below.
Apart from the fact that we both offer relationship advice, there’s really no comparison. So, readers, do you ever frequent Reddit? Do you check out other dating/relationship blogs? And what makes you come back here when there’s so much out there?
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post What It Takes To Moderate Relationship Advice On Reddit appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Thursday, February 27, 2020
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Why Stereotypes Are (Partially But Not Totally) True
Most of your advice I like but I have to tell you how I feel about a post you wrote. I’m writing back about something I saw you wrote: Should I Date a 7 or Hold Out for a 10?
In it you talk about someone’s looks. A 10 is defined as someone who is very nice-looking. Yet, people don’t choose their looks. Being exceptionally pretty isn’t something someone chooses. Yet you say that “most 10’s are problematic partners.”
You state that most of these people are problematic partners, even if not all of them. Don’t you think all people can be good partners if they make the right choices? As I said being attractive isnt something someone chooses. So I think logically that would mean that because of something someone doesn’t choose, the chances are still that they will be a problematic partner.
I understand that a difficult fact is that yes people who are extremely beautiful can be given a lot of attention that can get to their head. People might also accept them acting a certain way if they are beautiful enough and never correct them.
Still, personally I know plenty of people who are beautiful and just as nice as anyone. Not even a minority. Plenty.
What is something comparable? It’s proven that people who are from cultures with higher rates of divorce, crime, or other undesirable behaviors are more likely to do these things. Yet people don’t choose their culture.
What if I told you that as a general rule, you should not date people from a certain culture? Also, this isn’t just in theory. I had a friend whose parents were from India who decided they didn’t want their son to date an American girl, only an Indian one. They had justifiable reasons. They cited America’s divorce rate which is really pretty high compared to most countries. Don’t you still think there are plenty of people in this country who can have successful marriages?
Another thing about the qualities you list “shallow, narcissistic, selfish, demanding, difficult, more likely to flirt, less likely to commit, and somewhat disconnected from the ‘average’ person’s reality”, is that those are beliefs held by a lot of people about beautiful people. Yet don’t you think this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy? People can often be intimidated by beautiful people as well. So then what you have is people not wanting to be friends with these people or not complimenting them on their niceness since they assume (probably wrongly) that they aren’t.
Don’t you see what can happen? Do you think this is sound advice?
My own advice would be to get to know each person as just them without any bias.
-Kat
Dear Beautiful Kat Who Is Also A Great Partner,
I appreciate you taking the time to write such a thoughtful letter and while I debated defending a piece written probably 11 years ago (not everything ages well on the Internet), I felt it was a good opportunity to make a few points that often get lost in this polarized age.
First of all, when I say that most 10’s are problematic partners (which is true), what doesn’t show up is that most PEOPLE are problematic partners. I try not to say this all that frequently, but between you, me and the lamppost, I think that maybe 10% of people are truly capable of being secure, selfless, reasonable, communicative, honest, fun and attractive lifetime spouses. So that’s a commentary on EVERYONE, not just hot people.
People seem to have a hard time with negative stereotypes (although they’re fine with positive ones).
Next, people seem to have a hard time with negative stereotypes (although they’re fine with positive ones). You’ll never hear a woman complain that women are known as being more nurturing, collaborative or supportive. You’ll never hear a peep about women being more mature or in touch with their emotions. But if you suggest that women may not fare as well at math, you’ve crossed the line. It seems we can have negative stereotypes about some people (boys) but not negative stereotypes about others. Got it.
That’s just my long way of saying that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. They’re broadly applicable but not ALWAYS applicable. Think of the stereotype of the white male CEO. Think of the stereotype of the harried wife and mother of two kids. Think of the stereotype of the Jewish lawyer. These stereotypes comprise probably half of everybody I know! In many cases, the stereotype is spot on. In plenty of cases, it’s not. That’s why we judge people as individuals, not as groups. But that doesn’t mean we are never allowed to invoke stereotypes like “Men are more likely to inflict violence than women,” or “Women are more likely to have a wide network of friendships in middle age,” or “Women tend to become first grade teachers more than men,” or “Men tend to be coal miners more than women,” or, even “Men are taller and stronger than women,” even though we all know women who are taller and stronger than men.
We have to be intellectually honest instead of trying to play gotcha to prove that we’re being attacked and wrong. Do you REALLY think I have it in for gorgeous people? Or is it possible that some gorgeous people are going to have some negative qualities associated with being glorified and objectified? And is that any different than the negative qualities that one may have if she is NOT attractive – a certain amount of bitterness, resignation, and insecurity that will permeate all of her dating interactions?
One has to be able to talk about this openly instead of pretending there are absolutely NO patterns in anything and we are all just individuals who embody no cultural stereotypes whatsoever.
I’ve been doing this for 17 years now and when you’re giving advice to masses, you pretty much have to refer to people in groups. You have to talk about men and women because when answering a 200-word reader question, you don’t know enough about the situation to not generalize. Naturally, I expect astute readers not to get too literal when I say things like “separated men are risky to date,” when, technically, a separated man could be 100% emotionally available and ready to remarry again quickly.
To your next point, Kat, can all people be good partners? I guess, technically. But that’s like saying, can’t all people be honest? Technically. But ARE all people honest? Not even close.
Therefore, it seems like a pretty fruitless argument cooked up in a college class rather than something based on reality.
In reality, people are flawed and many of those flaws come from sources that they didn’t choose. Kids who grew up on the streets are going to have different relationship challenges than kids who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. The fact that these kids didn’t choose their life experience doesn’t negate the fact that they’re going to show up differently within a relationship.
You continue: As I said being attractive isn’t something someone chooses. So I think logically that would mean that because of something someone doesn’t choose, the chances are still that they will be a problematic partner.
Still, personally I know plenty of people who are beautiful and just as nice as anyone. Not even a minority. Plenty.
What is something comparable? It’s proven that people who are from cultures with higher rates of divorce, crime, or other undesirable behaviors are more likely to do these things. Yet people don’t choose their culture.
You seem to be very caught up in people choosing their culture. As I just stated, I find that to be a less than compelling argument. One doesn’t “deserve” a partner by birthright just like one doesn’t “deserve” a million-dollar-a-year-job by birthright. Some people get lucky and are born on third base. They won the genetic lottery and are attractive, educated, come from a highly functional family, and have the focus, work ethic, and confidence to be both productive in society and happily married. There are many more people who have not won this genetic lottery. That doesn’t mean they are lesser people; it may, however, mean that they have a harder time landing that million dollar a year job or marrying the “10”.
That’s not my opinion. That’s reality. Harvard takes 5% of its applicants and rejects 95%. Is that fair? No. But whoever said that life was fair? You don’t get to choose your circumstances. You get to make the best of your circumstances. So when you tell me this:
What if I told you that as a general rule, you should not date people from a certain culture? Also, this isn’t just in theory. I had a friend whose parents were from India who decided they didn’t want their son to date an American girl, only an Indian one. They had justifiable reasons. They cited America’s divorce rate which is really pretty high compared to most countries. Don’t you still think there are plenty of people in this country who can have successful marriages?
That’s, frankly, an awful example of what we’re actually debating here. People discriminate all the time for ridiculous reasons. Women choose men because of height and charisma. Men choose women because of youth and beauty. Both sexes routinely ignore kindness, consistency, communication, commitment and character, which are going to have much larger parts in determining the success of your marriage.
So if some Indian family believes that the US divorce rate means ANYTHING other than India encourages arranged marriages and frowns on divorce, that’s THEIR problem for being poor critical thinkers. That stat has nothing to do with the average American.
People can often be intimidated by beautiful people as well. So then what you have is people not wanting to be friends with these people or not complimenting them on their niceness since they assume (probably wrongly) that they aren’t.
Don’t you see what can happen? Do you think this is sound advice?
My own advice would be to get to know each person as just them without any bias.
Kat, I’ve written about the tribulations of beautiful people before (and I trust you’ll find less to quibble with because this article validates your feelings instead of challenges them). All I’ll say in summation is that, in general, it’s easier to be hot than ugly, easier to be fit than fat, easier to be tall than short, easier to be rich than poor, and so on. Everyone has their own baggage, but I wouldn’t worry too much about comparing yours to others.
The one thing we can agree on is your last line: while there is certainly truth to be found in stereotypes, we should all endeavor to get to know each person as individuals without bias.
The post Why Stereotypes Are (Partially But Not Totally) True appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Monday, February 24, 2020
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Why single men and women are more politically extreme
They say the personal is political. One look at the news – or the comments section on this blog – and it would be hard to deny. Which is why I found this article on How Single Men and Women Are Making Politics More Extreme so insightful.
“As we become freer, and our lives more complex, most people tend to become less gender fluid, not more: So the more liberal a country, the greater the difference between the sexes in their choice of professions, while more gender liberal countries also have larger sex difference in their math scores.
The more freedom we have, the more there will be very feminine and masculine subcultures too, and this might explain a great deal of recent political developments — in particular, the campus identity politics movement and the alt-right. The former is heavily female, while the latter is overwhelmingly male — in fact, not just male, but populated by men who seem to have difficulties with women.”
No disagreements so far. A lot of folks are surprised to find out that liberal countries have greater gender differences in their choice of professions. But it’s the result of free choice. Think of a coal miner’s gender. Think of a kindergarten teacher’s gender. That’s what happens when you allow people to choose their careers.
At the same time, the modern world is self-segregating. I hang out with all upper-middle-class suburban people. It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if single men and single women also spent most of their time with similar folks.
“So what happens when fewer people get married and, indeed, spend time with the opposite sex? Gender-segregated politics it seems.
In recent years there has been a steep rise in the proportion of female students, especially in the humanities, to such an extent that the imbalance has led to a shortage of marriageable men. It would seem logical, therefore, that already heavily left-leaning institutions filled with single women would be the perfect breeding ground for a forceful progressive movement, one in which members are in competition to display their political zeal.
In contrast, increasing numbers of men are moving into all-male worlds by dropping out of dating altogether. So while compared to Generation X, a larger proportion of millennials are engaging in more promiscuous sex, a larger number of them are also having no sex at all.
Freedom leads to sexual divergence — even in political movements.
Freedom leads to sexual divergence — even in political movements.
And that’s how we end up with Jezebel for women and the MGTOW movement for men. These are spaces for women to talk to other women (and not listen to men) and spaces for men to talk to other men (and not listen to women).
If I can say anything about the community we’ve created on of this blog, it’s that people like that don’t last very long here. I’m very proud of the readers who offer their insights – usually to speak their minds, but also to recognize that there’s always man or woman on the opposite side of the aisle whose feelings are equally legitimate.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post Why single men and women are more politically extreme appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Monday, February 17, 2020
Should I Go Out With Men Who Don’t Know If They Want Kids?
I’ve been following your blog and advice and recently returned to online dating after taking a short break. I’m 35 years old and went through a divorce a few years ago (no kids), and hope to have kids someday. However, when I browse through the match section, over half of the men there have marked “Unspecified/unsure” under the want-kids category. This is true regardless of the platform (e.g, Match, eHarmony, etc). To be clear, the available choices are Yes-I-Want-Kids, No-I-Don’t-Want Kids, Unsure/No-preference. For someone like me who wants children (either biologically or via adoption), is it worth spending time interacting with men who don’t clearly say they want kids on their profiles? I’ve had awkward experiences already where I turn down first-dates because I realized they stated “unspecified” on their profiles. On the one hand, I probably wouldn’t be this “picky” if I meet someone in person at a friend’s dinner party or other social events. But on the other hand, I really don’t want to waste time on men who are seemingly ambivalent on this issue. I’d appreciate it if you can share your thoughts on this, thanks!
-Nicole
I’m SO glad you asked this question, Nicole, since it’s one I address directly in Love U and one that comes up all the time for the above reasons.
And, unlike most of the questions I answer, in which I’m trying to point out a reader’s potential blind spot, I completely agree with your assessment of the situation.
Here’s how I see it:
There are men who really, really want kids like you do. I was one of them. I always wanted to be a Dad and was always looking for a woman who wanted to be a Mom. This vision for your mutual future is essential because if you’re not on the same page, you’re not going to have much of a mutual future.
Then there are men like you described: maybe they already have a kid, maybe they’re undecided. There’s nothing inherently wrong with them. Everyone has the right to be confused or ambivalent or to want to see if they get inspired by the right woman.
The issue is when a woman who knows she wants children hitches herself to the train of the ambivalent guy.
There’s a 50% that if those two people fall in love, move in together and get married, that “unsure/no preference” guy will prefer NOT having children – and she will have unwittingly placed her fertility on the line for a pipe dream.
So is it possible that the other 50% of men DO decide to become fathers when they meet the right woman? Sure.
Is that something you want to take a chance on as a potential mother? Hell, no!
You wouldn’t get on a plane that had a 50% chance of landing. Why get on the undecided train with a 40-year-old guy who’s still figuring out his shit?
You wouldn’t get on a plane that had a 50% chance of landing. Why get on the undecided train with a 40-year-old guy who’s still figuring out his shit?
Stick exclusively with men who know they want kids and you’ll have one less thing to worry about when deciding if you’re going to spend your life together.
Marriage is complicated. Don’t make it more complicated by investing in ambivalent men.
(Same goes for guys who don’t know if they want to get married, by the way!)
The post Should I Go Out With Men Who Don’t Know If They Want Kids? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Sunday, February 16, 2020
Russell Wilson's mother, Tammy Wilson, was honest and raw with him when she discovered that she was dating Ciara. He did it for this reason. - Up News Info
Saturday, February 15, 2020
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