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Wednesday, June 30, 2021
Tuesday, June 29, 2021
Monday, June 28, 2021
What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man
You’re smitten. It’s easy to see why.
He’s fun. He’s sexy. He’s successful. And he’s interested in you.
Naturally, you want him to become your boyfriend and begin to envision a future with him.
There’s just one thing: he’s emotionally unavailable.
Which means that even if he’s a great catch, he’s a high-risk long-term partner. Many women spend years waiting for their emotionally unavailable man to change, only to discover that his definition of a relationship and your definition of a relationship are two wildly different things.
So, are you wasting your time on him, or should you wait it out and hope things turn around?
Keep reading and I’ll explain.
What does it mean when a person is emotionally unavailable?
What makes a man emotionally unavailable?
It’s an important question because this is a term that’s thrown around loosely and not always accurately.
A man who doesn’t want to rush into a relationship isn’t necessarily emotionally unavailable. He may be cautious. He may have been hurt before. He may be timid by nature. But that doesn’t mean he’s incapable of a committed relationship. Such a man can be considerate of your feelings, communicate his desires, and ultimately become an amazing boyfriend.
Similarly, a man who is not interested in a relationship with you isn’t necessarily emotionally unavailable. It’s easy to assume that if he’s unwilling to commit to you, it must be some sort of failing on his part. But haven’t there been men that YOU didn’t want to commit to? Maybe you’re not that attracted, maybe he’s not that interesting, or maybe the timing is wrong. But being rejected by a man doesn’t mean he’s inherently unavailable.
Emotionally unavailable men either cannot or will not reciprocate your emotional investments the way you’d want them to – thus leaving you perpetually dissatisfied and feeling unsafe.
Emotionally unavailable people are marked by three basic qualities:
- They are emotionally distant.
- They show indifference to the feelings of their partners.
- They cannot commit to relationships despite the fact that they say they can.
That last one is particularly hard because emotionally unavailable men often present as enthusiastic partners, only to reveal over time that they have an avoidant personality.
This doesn’t mean such men have no feelings, that they don’t love you, or that they’re evil.
Emotionally unavailable men either cannot or will not reciprocate your emotional investments the way you’d want them to – thus leaving you perpetually dissatisfied and feeling unsafe.
How does one become emotionally unavailable?
The underlying reasons for emotional unavailability vary from one person to another.
Sometimes, it can be an offshoot of a dramatic life event. If his mother died of cancer, if his father abandoned him when he was young, or if his ex-wife cheated on him, you can see why he may be afraid to open up, be vulnerable and throw himself into love again.
Then there are men who are emotionally unavailable because they are so dedicated to the pursuit of other goals. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing one’s career, but if that coincides with working 60 hour weeks or traveling 20 weeks a year, even the nicest guy may be considered emotionally unavailable.
Or perhaps he just got out of a long-term relationship and doesn’t know what he wants. It’s incredibly common for people to look for a rebound relationship directly after breaking up.
Most men who are recently separated or divorced are NOT ready for a serious commitment – even if they think they are.
An emotionally unavailable man will rarely TELL you it’s a rebound relationship but since he’s single for the first time in years, it stands to reason that he may rush into both physical intimacy or an exclusive relationship.
But that, too, is often an illusion. Most men who are recently separated or divorced are NOT ready for a serious commitment – even if they think they are.
Therein lies the problem. You can’t always tell whether a situation is temporary or permanent – whether a guy is just going through a rough time or is actually suffering from an avoidant personality.
If it’s the former, work can calm down and he can heal from his breakup. If it’s the latter, he may unconsciously spend his entire life blocking his feelings out of fear of pain, rejection and loss.
The result is that you’ll have a guy who genuinely wants to make a lasting connection but always sabotages it by pulling away or unconsciously creating distance.
Ultimately, their fears and coping mechanisms prevent them from the very thing they want most.
What are the signs that you have an emotionally unavailable partner?
If you feel that there’s something off in your relationship, you’re not alone.
It’s easy to fall in love and envision a future with an emotionally unavailable guy. Many emotionally unavailable people are vibrant, charismatic, and make you feel good about yourself. Charm is their superpower and it allows them to get away with what comes next.
You know what it is – that nagging feeling, months later, that your relationship is going nowhere.
By failing to recognize the signs of emotional unavailability in the first six weeks, you find yourself trapped in a relationship that can be mentally and emotionally punishing.
So, how do you know if you are dating someone emotionally unavailable? Here are a few signs:
While you might want to take things to the next level, he is more than happy to keep things exactly as they are right now.
You don’t know what to call your relationship
You’ve been going out for two or three months. You’ve met each other’s friends. You have great chemistry and lots of fun. And yet, you don’t know exactly where your relationship stands.
Emotionally unavailable men prefer to keep things casual and avoid making serious commitments. You’ll hear a lot of things like:
- “I’m not sure what I want.”
- “Everything is great. Why do we have to put a label on it?”
- “I don’t like the word ‘boyfriend’.”
- “I’m not seeing anybody else. Isn’t that enough?”
- “Can’t we just keep doing this and see where it goes?”
These are all his ways of saying that while you might want to take things to the next level, he is more than happy to keep things exactly as they are right now.
It feels like you’re stuck
Relationships with emotionally unavailable people often start off fast because that’s the only way these avoidant men can win you over. They start off with love-bombing, frequent texting, and romantic gestures – anything to demonstrate how excited they are about you.
None of this involves actual intimacy. It’s the illusion of intimacy; it’s a seduction method designed to win you over without opening his heart.
Which is why, after the honeymoon phase ends, you feel stuck. You wonder how that same guy who was so into you at the beginning can be so indifferent now. You long to connect with him but realize you don’t even know much about him. All you know is that he made you feel really good at the beginning and now you feel really bad.
He doesn’t let his guard down
An emotionally unavailable partner can be difficult to read. You don’t know what he is thinking or feeling because he won’t open up and let his guard down.
It’s not that he doesn’t have feelings; it’s that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing them. Maybe he was taught at a young age that people can’t be trusted. Maybe his own relationship experience suggests the same thing. At the end of the day, this is not a man who wants to share his feelings nor hear about yours. The more you ask him to talk, the more he’ll deflect.
You may think you’re close because you spend a lot of time together but it’s hard to feel safe and connected if your emotionally unavailable man prefers to keep you at a safe distance.
He resorts to making jokes
To protect himself from having to go deep, emotionally unavailable men are skilled in using humor to avoid serious conversations. This is the same charm that originally seduced you and now it’s being used to keep you at an arm’s length.
It’s far easier and safer for a man like this to avoid his emotions and control the conversation than to earnestly explore how he feels.
While you just want to be real, he teases you about always turning the conversation serious. He may not be intentionally gaslighting you but it sure can feel that way.
He doesn’t reciprocate your efforts
Emotionally unavailable men may be confident and alpha in their lives but when it comes to making an effort for you, they tend to be passive.
Their big effort is in GETTING into a relationship with you. At the same time, they know that if they continue to make a colossal effort, things will start to get serious. Which is why emotionally unavailable men fall into obvious behavior patterns: they stop reaching out, stop making plans, and stop making you feel like a priority. Suddenly, you’re forced to do all the work to prop up the relationship. And if you stop doing all the work, the relationship falls apart. So you keep it going, even though it’s draining and you’re not getting much in return.
This is a perfect arrangement for the unavailable man because they believe, subconsciously, that making an emotional investment and putting in effort sets them up for heartbreak.
Since these men always put themselves first, you will always finish in second
He’s canceled your plans multiple times
It’s bad enough that he’s left you to plan your dates. What’s more disheartening is when he arrives late or cancels your plans, with a little apology and no intent to make things right.
What’s worse is that he always has an excuse – and you’re supposed to always accept it.
Next thing you know, you don’t feel like “the cool girl,” but, rather, a doormat.
Yet, doormat is just about the only role for someone dating an emotionally unavailable man. Since these men always put themselves first, you will always finish in second.
He’s never been emotionally intimate with you
An emotionally unavailable person almost always prefers physical intimacy over emotional intimacy.
Why?
Because physical intimacy is easy. It doesn’t leave him feeling vulnerable. It makes him feel connected and relaxed – and it has that temporary effect on you, as well.
But a relationship based on sex is not much of a relationship at all. If most of your time is spent having sex, you’re never talking about anything real. Feelings. Emotions. Hopes. Dreams. Disappointments.
You know: the things that allow you to deeply connect with the closest friends in your life.
Your man may not want to go deep but if you have that need, you may need another man.
You’re only as needy as your unmet needs.
He shuts you down
To emotionally unavailable men, the expression of feelings is a sign of weakness and neediness.
It’s not.
You’re only as needy as your unmet needs. And when you’re dating a man like this – his avoidant attachment style can only serve to make you feel anxious and needy.
If you try to get closer or bring up a conversation, he will either withdraw (and leave you feeling lonely and crazy), or fight back (and tell you that you’re being emotional and demanding).
The fact is that since HIS way of dealing with emotion is to shut it down or avoid it, he assumes that you should do the exact same thing.
That’s a really unhealthy way to live and no one should have to put up with such treatment.
Why are women attracted to emotionally unavailable men?
Dating emotionally unavailable men can only leave you questioning yourself.
What have you been doing wrong to attract men who are emotionally distant?
To be clear, you don’t “attract” these men, you ACCEPT these men.
You’re attracted to their confidence, aloofness, and inscrutability.
You find it more appealing when a guy leaves you guessing than when he’s really consistent.
This often has to do with the primary relationship you observed when you were young.
That became your normal and you’ve spent your whole life recreating that dynamic.
You had emotionally unavailable parents
Psychologists say that people are attracted to people that are similar to them and their parents.
If you had a father who left when you were six and you never felt you could win his love, you may choose men who are also distant, because that’s what’s normal to you.
If you had a mother who was a critical narcissist, you may choose men who also embody those traits because that’s what’s normal to you.
It’s not your fault for thinking that dysfunctional relationships are normal but it is up to you to try to identify and break that pattern, lest you spend your whole life with emotionally unavailable men, wondering why you can never seem to make things work with them.
The fact is: NOBODY can.
You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop – because, with the men you choose, it always does.
You are also emotionally unavailable
Then there’s the possibility that because of what you’ve been through with your family and your ex-boyfriends that you are also somewhat avoidant.
It makes sense. If every relationship you’ve ever had has broken your heart or disappointed you, you may be afraid of experiencing true intimacy.
As such, you unconsciously seek relationships with emotionally unavailable people because they’re strangely safe. Since you know in your heart they’re never going to work, you never have to be truly vulnerable.
You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop – because, with the men you choose, it always does.
Can you make an emotionally unavailable person fall in love with you?
Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person can be draining, especially since you’re doing all the work.
But can you turn things around and make an emotionally unavailable person fall in love with you? Or are you better off calling it quits?
While many women spend years banking on a man’s potential, hoping he changes, wishing she could recreate the magic of the first few months, the truth is that there is little reward to dating an emotionally unavailable man.
You have to do all the work.
You have to get him to open up.
You have to deal with inconsistency, loneliness and insecurity.
A good partner should fill your cup. An emotionally unavailable partner just drains it.
And while you can argue that it’s a temporary condition due to a recent break-up, for the most part, men like this are bad bets for a healthy long-term relationship.
There’s no value in blaming a man for his inability to commit and make you feel safe; at the same time, there’s no value in staying with someone who is incapable of it.
A good partner should fill your cup. An emotionally unavailable partner just drains it.
What can you do with an emotionally unavailable person?
Entering a relationship and making yourself vulnerable is hard enough. But with an emotionally unavailable partner, you will perpetually find yourself confused and frustrated.
Millions of women stay with emotionally unavailable men because of attraction, sunk costs, or fear that they can’t do better. But you can.
You can’t have a relationship with a man dependent on him changing for you. You have to assume that this is all there is.
Once you realize that you’re unhappy and that – despite his charms – he’s actually incapable of making you feel safe and happy, you can let him go and choose a man who you don’t have to work so hard to change.
* This article was originally published here
Sunday, June 27, 2021
Saturday, June 26, 2021
Friday, June 25, 2021
Dating After 40: How to Attract the Right Men
Maybe you thought looking for love would be easier now that you’re older, wiser and have your career and finances in place.
Think again.
Finding a quality partner in your 40s is a lot trickier than when you were younger.
Not just because the dating pool is smaller.
Not just because you may be rusty at dating.
But because 21st century dating is ever-changing and more challenging than what you may have been used to when you were younger.
I’m an experienced flirt, love expert, and dating coach, and I witness these challenges with my clients every day. So please, take a moment to read this article so I can give you some tangible takeaways about how to make the most of dating after 40.
Can a 40-Year Old Woman Still Find Love?
Yes.
And it’s not even debatable. The majority of my clients are over the age of 40 and, as you can tell, plenty of them are falling in love and getting married.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
At age 40, only 25% of college-educated men are single.
Among that 25%, some of them never want to get married and some are single because few women would want to date them.
Finally, if a man is in his 40’s and wants his own biological children, he’ll generally search for women under the age of 35 – so he can have a few years to date, fall in love, get married, and enjoy the relationship before he dives into fatherhood.
(I married a woman three years older who was about to turn 39; I feel fortunate that we had two children in our forties, but many men won’t take that risk.)
Despite all of the caveats: that STILL leaves millions of men who are educated, relationship-oriented and looking to connect with you. So…
What Can You Do To Succeed in Dating in Your 40s?
You may feel that 40 is old but considering you’ve got a good 40 years left, it would seem to be in your best interest to prioritize finding lasting love.
And while people’s situations do change as they get older – people in their 40’s are often dealing with divorce and children – the dynamics of dating are universal.
That’s why having a healthy mindset and realistic expectations are key to your success.
Here are five things you can do to attract good men at any age.
1. Don’t Rush To Get into a Serious Relationship
If you just had a grueling divorce, focus on self-care first before going back into the dating scene. You need to reclaim your sense of value and worth, and it’s important you spend enough time healing so that you can attract exactly the right kind of partner.
When you’re ready to get back out there, the key to successful dating after 40 is to act like there’s no urgency. As much as you want kids, you don’t want to rush into marriage and children in a year, only to end up a divorced single parent to an innocent toddler.
Slow and steady – getting to know whether a man is high-character before you make life-altering decisions – may not be how you want to proceed, but it’s truly the only way.
I get that if you’ve struggled with men for decades, you may feel like snapping up the first cute guy who calls himself your boyfriend, but the stakes are too high to make a mistake.
In the first month of Love U, I talk about this counterintuitive process – being proactive, patient and positive, despite the face that you hate dating and would prefer Mr. Right to just knock on your door and propose to you right now.
2. Create an Online Dating Profile That Reflects You
Dating apps are everywhere and it’s easier than ever to just post a photo and start swiping.
The problem with dating apps is that they’re almost purely age-based and looks-based, and since everyone has an infinite number of options, it’s hard to make a real connection.
That’s why I recommend conventional online dating sites like Match and OKCupid and why I’ve spent nearly two decades writing online dating profiles for women at e-Cyrano.com.
If you don’t want to invest in a professional writer to attract quality men, that’s fine, but you do have to do something different to get a different result.
The most powerful example of how to write a better and more authentic profile is to provide short anecdotes about what he gets out of dating you. “I would throw a Super Bowl party for your friends and serve my famous five-bean chili” is a much more appealing sentence than “I like dancing, swimming and walks with my dog.” Write for your audience, not for yourself.
3. Don’t Be Scared To Make the First Move
Merely having live profiles on different online dating sites isn’t enough to find a great guy.
You know this because you don’t like 90% of the men who reach out to you.
So if you’re not satisfied with the quality (or quantity) of the men who are writing to you, the most powerful thing you can do is to initiate contact.
That may feel a little foreign to you, especially if you’re of the belief that men should always make the first move.
But it’s not really about WHO is making the first move; it’s about HOW you’re doing it.
A confident woman will something funny about one detail in the guy’s profile – without complimenting him, without asking him out, without giving away your power – and discover that around 30% of men will write back.
You may focus on the 70% who don’t but the truth is that if you write to ONE new guy per day, you will have more dates than you can handle.
Writing to a guy doesn’t mean you’re needy, desperate, or even that you have to MEET him. It just means that instead of passively waiting for attractive men to write to you, you’re taking control of the situation and doubling your chances of meeting a great guy fast.
4. Learn To Say “No”
Just because men are flooding your DMs for a date doesn’t mean you have to respond to everyone who reaches out. It’s not only exhausting but it’s also time-consuming. You’re not a human resources department at a big corporation; you’re an individual with a limited amount of energy. That doesn’t mean you should dismiss every guy with a mediocre profile who says “Hey, what’s up?” but rather that you should devote your time to men who make a greater effort.
If you’ve got 7-10 active conversations going on with men who sound sane, serious, and are making a consistent effort, you don’t need any more leads.
Better to go on one quality date a week with a guy who has earned the right to take you out on Saturday night than to text 25 guys in hopes of meeting 4 of them for coffee.
Finally, if you’re a woman who wants to have kids, restrict yourself only to men who want kids and single dads. Life is too short to date a guy who isn’t sure if wants to be a dad.
5. Focus on the Present
Finding good relationships in your 40s often involves meeting a good number of men who have been married or already have children.
At the same time, there are a number of wonderful divorced guys who have issues beyond their control. Controlling exes. Alimony payments. Shared custody. Demanding jobs and mid-life crises. These guys – like many divorced women – are wary of marriage, wary of losing their assets, and you shouldn’t rush them into commitment.
In other words, if you’re a marriage oriented woman in your 40’s, you can’t expect a guy to marry you in a year. What you can do, however, is to choose a man who IS marriage oriented, and together, explore over the next two years whether you’re a good long-term fit.
It’s not your job to make a man want to commit to you; it’s to see if he’s worthy of your commitment. If you’ve made mistakes before, pay attention to your feelings and your anxiety.
Good relationships are easy and should feel organic. Instead of wondering about whether your kids will get along after the first month of dating, just enjoy the present and appreciate having a partner who is equally excited about you.
6. Think Positive
After years of dating and jumping from one relationship to another, it’s normal to be disappointed. But that bitterness will only hurt you.
Rather than filling your mind with doubts on whether you still have a shot at a great relationship, why not replace it with optimism? Change your mindset of “relationships are scary” to “dating is fun.” Erasing negative thoughts can help connect more with men and date with positivity.
6. Talk to a Dating Coach
Dating coaches are specialists, just like plumbers and piano teachers and heart surgeons.
If you’ve tried everything and are thinking of giving up on dating, relationships and men, getting help from a relationship expert can transform your entire life.
From providing motivation, confidence, and techniques to better attract and connect with the opposite sex, to teaching you how to choose a compatible man, the best dating coach offers perhaps the most valuable service you’ll ever need.
Have Fun With the Process
Even if women in their 40s are more self-aware, experienced, and aware of what values to look for in their partners, there’s always a sense of fear and vulnerability when it comes to dating.
Even though you know, intellectually, that it’s not personal when you reject a guy, it sure feels personal when a guy rejects you.
Which is why it’s essential to have a detached approach from dating. “Short-term pessimism and long-term optimism” is what we practice in Love U. Not expecting too much from any one man, not putting too much pressure on any one date, and knowing that most guys are not meant to be your husband.
If you go on a date per week for three months, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with men. It probably means you just haven’t met your match yet. Why? Because finding one person to trust with your entire life is not easy, no more than getting to this place in your career was easy.
When you’re dating in your forties, do your best to reserve judgment.
Bad dates will happen. They make for good stories.
Mediocre dates will happen. Forget about them.
Good dates where men disappear or disappoint afterwards will happen. Shake them off.
It’s all part of the process.
You don’t have to decide immediately on the first date if it’s going to work or not. You couldn’t possibly know. Neither could he. If you have fun and can relax on a first date, go on a second one. If not, don’t. It’s really okay.
Now that you’re at the age where you know who you are and are confident with yourself, you’re most likely to find a mate better suited for you. Just have fun and enjoy the process!
* This article was originally published here
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