Speed date for a mentor with the Women of Toledo organization WTOL
* This article was originally published here
Friday, January 31, 2020
Orbiting. Another Dating Problem Created By Social Media.
I’m REALLY glad to be a middle-aged married guy.
I stopped dating in January 2007 when I met my wife at a potluck dinner in Beverly Hills.
The first iPhone would be released later that year.
Texting was around but it wasn’t ubiquitous. Same with Facebook.
Instagram came around in 2010. Tinder didn’t launch until 2012.
And here we are, as lonely and disconnected as ever. Social media sites that were designed to connect us now cause an equal amount of pain and confusion.
And here we are, as lonely and disconnected as ever. Social media sites that were designed to connect us now cause an equal amount of pain and confusion.
The latest term of art from this digital dystopia? Keep reading:
“Prying eyes on Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter can be exciting when they come from a prospective romantic partner, confusing when unrequited and infuriating when the looker is an ex. In the last case, it’s as though the specter of a Relationship That Could Have Been is peeping over your shoulder, keeping tabs without having to commit to any real-world interactions.
Naturally, there is a name for this 21st-century phenomenon, which has joined ghosting, Netflix and chill, breadcrumbing and other recent entries to the dating lexicon. It’s called orbiting.”
I’d probably call it cyberstalking, but whatever you call it, it’s a thing that afflicts modern daters who are tethered to their social media.
“The way it feels to be orbited depends on your relationship to the orbiter. When you’re interested in the satellite entity watching your social media activity, orbiting brings an endorphin rush, the feeling of being circled by someone you want to get closer to.
But when it’s bad, it’s bad. There’s the frustration of wondering why an ex would rather watch your life than be part of it. There’s the disappointment when someone who has been orbiting for some time never does get any closer. And there’s acceptance of the hard truth of all digital romance: Eventually, the relationship must be taken offline, or brought to an end.”
I’m an advocate for online dating but when relationships PRIMARILY take place in a virtual world, you’ve got a real problem. Liking photos on Instagram is not dating. Texting is not dating. Talking and seeing each other in person is dating. You should accept no substitute – no matter what everyone tells you about how things are different now.
Concludes the article:
“Regardless, it’s a fact that dating is confusing, and orbiting can make that worse. Small online behaviors are infinitely interpretable, making it impossible to understand where you and another person stand. The lurking of a potential connection makes you wonder whether they’ll ever materialize in person. And the orbiting ex only serves to keep you mired in a shadow version of the relationship, wondering, each time he or she views one of your Stories, what happened or what could have been.”
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post Orbiting. Another Dating Problem Created By Social Media. appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
What Does it Mean to Be a Man? And Why Is Masculinity “Bad”?
Let’s dispense with the inevitable criticisms up front.
I am a man whose entire life is spent advocating for smart, strong, successful women to have happy relationships.
I am about as liberal as they come.
I am furious about Donald Trump, Brett Kavanagh and the new Alabama abortion law.
I recognize that a lot of our world’s problems are caused by “old white males.”
And yet, I’m citing an article about masculinity by David French of the conservative publication National Review for one key reason: he’s right.
We’ve become so tribal – so eager to attack our enemies, so blind in defending our own – that common sense has gone out the window. I won’t let that happen here.
We’ve become so tribal – so eager to attack our enemies, so blind in defending our own – that common sense has gone out the window. I won’t let that happen here.
I can be a white male liberal feminist and still point out the blind spots of liberals and feminists, just as easily as I point out the blind spots of the MGTOW, anti-feminist right.
But enough about me. 🙂
Enjoy this piece by French, which is worth thinking about and discussing below:
“It is interesting that in a world that otherwise teaches boys and girls to “be yourself,” that rule often applies to everyone but the “traditional” male who has traditional male impulses and characteristics. Then, they’re a problem. Then, they’re often deemed toxic. Combine this reality with a new economy that doesn’t naturally favor physical strength and physical courage to the same extent, and it’s easy to see how men struggle.
As I’ve argued before, acculturation into healthy traditional masculinity used to be a far more natural and inevitable act. Even upper-class men had to learn to work (at least to some degree) with their hands; to earn a living, working-class men often had to be strong; and with more intact families (and male-dominated work spaces), men did not lack for role models.
That does not mean that men were perfect. There is already too much nostalgia in our society for a past that had virtues but also had terrible vices. But it does mean that it was easier for a man to have purpose, and meaningful and sustainable happiness is elusive without purpose…
We do our sons no favors when we tell them that they don’t have to answer that voice inside them that tells them to be strong, to be brave, and to lead. We do them no favors when we let them abandon the quest to become a grown man when that quest gets hard. Yes, we do them no favors when we’re not sensitive to those boys who don’t conform to traditional masculinity, but when it comes to the crisis besetting our young men, traditional masculinity isn’t the problem; it can be part of the cure.”
Like most rational debates, this isn’t a matter of either/or, it’s both/and.
For far too long, men have been violent, insensitive, sexist, and controlling – as part of both their nature and as part of societal expectations. Thankfully, that is starting to crumble as these conversations take place in the media. But the answer, as French points out, is not to destroy all things masculine but to teach men to temper their nature as fighters, conquerors and seed-spreaders and channel the best of masculinity into a better product. Women who are down on men would be well served to acknowledge this nuance instead of throwing all “old white men” under the bus as part of the problem.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post What Does it Mean to Be a Man? And Why Is Masculinity “Bad”? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
My Partner of 7 Years Won’t Get Divorced!
I have been with my common law partner for almost 7 years. We met at work, we have had our ups and downs and even split but reconciled a few times over the years. He was going through a process in life. We are very committed and function as a married couple, he is an active stepfather to my teenage children, and we even own a business together.
However, when we first met he was just separating from his wife. Less so than I had been led to believe, hence the processes he went through for the first few years. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have gotten involved knowing what I know now but its irrelevant now.
The problem is that he won’t divorce. He has one son with her who is almost 26 and lives with her (he won’t leave home). She is several years into a relationship and runs a family business with her new boyfriend from the matrimonial property. He has taken small steps like asking her to list the house for sale but closes his eyes to it when she refuses. He pays mortgage and debts for her. He once wrote a separation agreement and she edited it asking for very high spousal support and he filed it away unsigned and unfiled. He kept her on medical benefits until just recently so he has done a lot to ease the transition.
We are looking at some changes in our lives or moving and new jobs that I hesitate to commit to without feeling secure in my relationship, plus I want to get married one day. I’m close to 40 now, my kids are close to leaving home, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve wasted my 30’s, if my relationship is a farce, or it will never go to the next level, or like I’m living with someone else’s husband.
He won’t discuss it often or in depth. His excuses are mostly the difficulty or money. Money is not an actual stumbling block. He is very smart and capable. When I broached the subject of legality of rights for me, he had a legal notarized will done naming me as beneficiary and power of attorney. He IS capable obviously, but avoids divorce.
Both his wife and son clearly manipulate him through guilt, asking for money as their only communication. I think he revels in feeling needed. I’m just not sure where the boundary line is, have I gone too far over it, am I impatient or irrational or demanding? I’m lost for ways to address it or whether I should walk away from it. I have read your advice to others for years and would be incredibly relieved and honored to hear your feedback.
Niki
I feel obliged to say that I’ve written about this topic a number of times before but each case is different.
Sounds to me like you’ve got a pretty good bead on things.
Your boyfriend either wants to be needed, is afraid of being cut off, wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
As I explain in Why He Disappeared, it generally doesn’t matter WHY someone acts a certain way. Getting the “right” answer only means that you know his motives; it doesn’t change his actions at all.
Basically, this is a dilemma that only one person can solve, Niki. And that’s you.
You’re at a fork in the road.
Would you rather continue in this relationship even though you’re never going to get married?
Or would you rather start over and find a man who is available and wants to marry you?
Your guy DOESN’T. Otherwise, he would have been divorced and proposed to you already after 7 years.
Make no mistake, you put yourself in this position by integrating your life with his, starting a business, allowing him to step-parent your children — all without a formal commitment. He got what he wanted. You didn’t.
Your power — as it is for all women in dissatisfying relationships — is to walk.
Your power — as it is for all women in dissatisfying relationships — is to walk.
You’re not trying to negotiate with him. You’re not going to force him to divorce. You’re going to leave and find a man who wants the commitment that you want. If, after you leave, he follows and initiates divorce proceedings, you might have a husband.
If he doesn’t — and I’m betting he doesn’t — you’ll be free to find a man who puts you first and makes you feel safe for the rest of your life.
One word of caution: if you say you’re going to leave and you DON’T leave, you’ve just sent the message that you’ll continue to put up with this indefinitely the way you did for the last seven years. Frankly — and I know it’s not my life and it’s easy to say from afar — I wouldn’t want someone to marry me due to an ultimatum; I’d want someone who wanted to marry me. Yours doesn’t. Please don’t lose sight of that.
Good luck.
The post My Partner of 7 Years Won’t Get Divorced! appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Thursday, January 30, 2020
Why Dating Apps Are Bad For Your Love Life
My thoughts about Tinder have been documented.
Tinder – and other dating apps – are exactly what society craves:
Something free, quick, easy, effortless, and frictionless
Something that caters to our shallow impulses, short attention spans, and desire for variety.
Something that would take our need for love, sex, attention, affection and validation and turn it into a dopamine heightening video game that we can play anytime, anywhere, with little to no thought beyond whether someone is hot or not.
As a user, you may prefer Tinder to Match, and if you do, I don’t judge you nor blame you. If anything, I understand you and empathize with you.
You want to meet more people. You don’t want to read through long profiles. You don’t want to write long emails. You don’t want to invest time in getting to know someone, who, quite likely, will not be a great long-term partner. You want to swipe right, text, meet quickly, and see ASAP if there’s compatibility.
I get it.
But what are the downsides of this process?
You don’t need me to tell you.
For all the positives we associate with dating apps, there are equal negatives.
For all the positives we associate with dating apps, there are equal negatives.
If you’re swiping right on dozens of people, it becomes more overwhelming and confusing.
If you are not reading about people in their own words, you don’t really know the first thing about them before getting each other’s phone numbers.
If you don’t have long profiles, you won’t have many interesting things to say in your communication beyond, “Hey, you’re hot. Cute dog. Want to hang out sometime?”
If you don’t invest time in getting to know someone before you meet, you will go on more bad dates than you did before because there’s no screening mechanism.
If you feel that people are too shallow and judging on looks alone, you are now relying on an app based entirely on looks, in which its pretty hard to compete.
If you understand the Paradox of Choice, you know that the more choices people have, the harder it is to decide, and the less happy people become.
If you are communicating via text with a ton of people at once, you realize nobody has anything invested in you. You must be prepared for more ghosting, flaking, breadcrumbing, and unsolicited dick pics because when dating is gamified, you are not realy a human being – you are merely one of 20 women he’s texting right now in his quest to see how quickly he can meet and get laid. Good luck competing with the women who send nude photos and want to meet up at 11pm.
Thus, something as benign as a dating app is both problematic and addicting
Something that was designed to solve a problem actually causes deeper problems.
And while everyone complains about these problems, most of us insist that dating apps are the only game in town – so we keep swiping and texting and complaining about the flakes and pervs and indignities that come with being nothing more than a photo on an app, as opposed to a flesh and blood human being with feelings, interests and a personality that cannot be captured via ducklips and emojis.
You know it. I know it. The Atlantic, who wrote this article about how Tinder changed dating, knows it.
I highly encourage you to read that piece and think about whether apps are truly making you happy and providing the optimal dating experience, or if you’re just doing it because it’s the easiest/laziest thing one can do to meet members of the opposite sex.
And if you have noticed the same problems I have about dating apps, what are you going to do differently to get a different result?
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post Why Dating Apps Are Bad For Your Love Life appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
My Boyfriend Follows Sexy Instagram Models. Is This Normal?
I have been in an exclusive sexual relationship with a high-quality man for 4 months now. Things are easy and natural and I have no concerns with trust or how he feels. However, I happened to notice recently as I was looking to see if we have a mutual follow on Instagram that he is following about a dozen women who primarily post sexy swimsuit or lingerie pictures. I am not naive enough to think that guys don’t look at other girls nor insecure enough to think that he doesn’t think that I’m sexy too. I have a sexy side that will send him sexy pics of myself occasionally too but I don’t want to be compared to these other women. Although I work out and I think my body is strong and sexy, I’ve had 2 kids!! I just feel that it is a little disrespectful. He has me sending him sexy pics; I am uncomfortable that his Instagram feed is filled with these pictures of sexy other women on a daily basis.
My questions are…is this a “normal” guy thing? Is there a “right” time or way to tell him how I feel?
Thanks Evan! I think you are great and appreciate all your advice in you blogs and podcasts!
Kristen
In my first book “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book – A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating,” I advised women not to post photos that show too much skin because it would attract the wrong guys.
It’s an easy argument to make – especially with the number of god-awful pervs who think that telling you what they’re going to do to you in their introductory email is a good idea.
The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.
The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.
I coasted on that advice for a few years, upon which I realized that I was one of those bad men.
Cleavage? Bikinis on the beach? Tight dresses that hide nothing? Yes, please!
And since I know that I’m not a “bad man” but rather, “a man,” I ceased giving such stupid, puritanical advice. Now I encourage my clients – usually in their 40’s and 50’s – to ramp up their sex appeal and minimize the Mom photos and snowsuit shots from their last ski trip.
Sex appeal doesn’t mean laying on a bed in lingerie with a rose in your teeth. It just means posting photos that appeal to men’s basest impulses. If he clicks on your profile and is turned on, a good man will then read about you and write based on your content rather than your looks.
Why do I lead with this story, Kristen?
Because there’s a lot of advice given based on how women think men should act as opposed to advice given on how men actually act. I’m an advocate for the latter.
In this oft-shared post “What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women?” I try to explain (if not justify) the phenomenon. For most of us, looking at women is like looking at a rainbow or a bright orange Lamborghini. They’re all head-turners in our book. Telling us to not turn our heads is a good exercise in teaching men to respect women – but it does go against our very nature.
So, is it gauche for a guy to follow Instagram models? Kinda. Is it immature? Kinda. It is short-sighted when you have a sensitive and slightly jealous girlfriend? Kinda. At the same time, if we’re being honest, if I were 30 and active on Instagram, that is EXACTLY what I’d be doing.
And then I’d find a girlfriend who would feel the same way you did and I’d be torn. On one hand, I want her to be happy and feel bad that she feels bad. On the other, looking at these women has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for her and I don’t see why I should have to completely cease my no-cost, no-effort hobby at scrolling through hot photos in my spare time. It’s certainly not cheating. As defined by women, it’s more like microcheating, which is a very blurry line.
My problem with your guy does not stem from his casual Instagram habit – since I STILL look at provocative photos online – as a very happily married man for the past 11 years.
My problem stems from this one sentence: “He has me sending sexy pics.”
The way that was phrased makes it sound like he is a Svengali who has power over you. It makes it sound like you don’t want to send those pics but he’s pressuring you to do so. It makes it sound like you are so enthralled with him that you don’t want to set limits and boundaries.
Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but between you and me, Instagram in and of itself isn’t a problem with a high-quality man. In this case, however, it may be the canary in the coal mine that is indicative of greater control/power/sex/infidelity issues.
I would encourage you to reconsider whether you’re actually comfortable with this man, and question if he is, indeed “high-quality.” Any guy who “makes you” send sexy pics should be summarily left behind if you’re not 100% as enthusiastic about it as he is.
One other thing I just realized after I wrote this: you say you’re in an “exclusive sexual relationship.” Sorry, but if he hasn’t claimed the title of “boyfriend” yet, you’re being played. Seriously.
The post My Boyfriend Follows Sexy Instagram Models. Is This Normal? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
The Best Boyfriends Are a Bit Thirsty
The word of the day is “thirsty.”
Urban Dictionary defines thirsty as:
1. Too eager to get something (especially play)
2. Desperate
With that, let’s take a look at today’s article by one Josh Gondelman in Glamour.
“Making a romantic overture to someone often seems corny and awkward and sometimes even a little desperate. That’s because it is. But it’s also a gesture that takes both vulnerability and assertiveness, and those are good qualities, even when they result in rejection. (Obviously, no one is under any obligation to reciprocate anyone else’s thirst.)
No great love story has ever begun without a spark of thirst.”
Thirst is more accurately known as desire. And if there’s anything I’ve learned by listening to women over 15 years, it’s that you REALLY want to be desired.
Thirst is more accurately known as desire. And if there’s anything I’ve learned by listening to women over 15 years, it’s that you REALLY want to be desired.
But you really want to be desired exclusively by men YOU desire and NOT by men you don’t desire.
You go out with a guy on Friday. You have a great time. He calls you the next day to say he had a blast and can’t wait to see you again. You swoon.
You go out with a guy on Friday. You’re bored stiff. He calls you the next day to say he had a blast and can’t wait to see you again. You determine he’s a needy stalker.
Same behavior. Different reaction.
The guy you like is sweet and direct. The guy you don’t like is “thirsty.”
Concludes Gondelman, “I met my now-fiancée in person at a party she was throwing (I was invited! I promise I’m not a creep). I asked for her phone number (thirsty!), texted her the next day (extra thirsty!), and figured out a time we could see each other again two days after that (Fast and Thirstiest, starring Vin Diesel!). Now we live together and coparent a rescue pug and are planning a wedding.
Not every story has such a happy ending, of course. Thirst can go wrong. Unchecked thirst is smothering. Unchecked, unreciprocated thirst is stalking. But thirst, in its purest form, isn’t about entitlement or reckless desperation. It’s about knowing what you want. And it’s OK to want something or someone openly, without playing games.”
Amen to that. Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post The Best Boyfriends Are a Bit Thirsty appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
My Husband Refuses to Have Sex with Me
My husband and I got married just over 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve been completely starved of sex and intimacy! My husband is a workaholic and is constantly too tired for sex. He also seems to have difficulty maintaining an erection.
When I talk to him about it, he just tells me he’s too tired for sex. He won’t see a doctor to see if there is anything he can do/take to help with this.
It’s now been two years since we have had sex and I feel like I am dying inside. I feel so neglected and unwanted. I feel like I have no options but to suck it up and deal with it or leave.
At 37 years old, I can’t imagine never having sex or affection in my life again!
But I have a young daughter and also can’t imagine tearing my family apart or being single again. Is there anything I can do? I feel paralyzed with indecision.
Amy
Sorry about your predicament, Amy. It sounds brutal.
I’ve written about boyfriends who want sex less than their girlfriends, and boyfriends who never want sex before.
But after twelve years of answering questions on here, the letter that most came to mind was this one: “I Married a Great Guy. Why Am I So Unhappy?”
Money quote: “He’s very, um, hardworking. On weekends, he’s gone by 6 a.m. and doesn’t come home until dinner — sometimes after. That’s EVERY weekend.”
That couple doesn’t have a marriage. That couple has a shared living arrangement.
Sounds like you do, too.
I don’t know what pains you’ve taken to remedy this situation. Couples counseling. Date night. Sex therapy. Viagra. All I know is that, in any relationship, it takes two to tango.
I don’t know what pains you’ve taken to remedy this situation. Couples counseling. Date night. Sex therapy. Viagra. All I know is that, in any relationship, it takes two to tango.
Your husband may be fine going two years without sex but if you’re not, you’re going to have to have to confront your husband. You’re not angry with him. You’re not trying to change him. You’re letting him know that you’re and will remain that way unless he vows to increase his intimacy towards you – despite how busy and tired he his.
Good husbands want to make their wives happy – especially if the request is reasonable.
If your husband, flat out refuses to make an effort, you must have the courage to start over.
I know it may sound irresponsible to say that given your marriage vows and the fact that I don’t know you. But I have had way too many women turn to me after 25-year marriages just like yours – and ALL of them wish they had the guts to prioritize their happiness sooner.
Staying together for the kid is a convenient (and valid) excuse, but wouldn’t you like to see your daughter raised in a functional family with a happy mom who enjoys her home life?
I would.
Do you really want to spend your entire adult life suffering because you made one poor choice three years ago?
I wouldn’t.
When I find I’m in a situation that makes me unhappy, I get out of it FAST.
You should, too.
You are not put on this planet to suffer.
You are put on this planet to thrive.
If your husband isn’t part of the solution, then he’s part of the problem.
Talk to him, see what he says, and don’t think that you’re a bad person for having reasonable needs that should be met by your spouse. You’re not.
The post My Husband Refuses to Have Sex with Me appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Is it Cool to Have a Ghostwriter Write to Men for You on Dating Apps?
I started e-Cyrano online dating profile writing in 2003.
We were written about in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and hundreds of other publications.
The story was juicy. Online dating was going mainstream for the first time, and specialists were popping up to serve a growing population.
The story was juicy. Online dating was going mainstream for the first time, and specialists were popping up to serve a growing population.
I came up with the idea when I took my George W. Bush $300 tax credit and used it to have a professional resume writer take a crack at my resume (even though I was a writer). Next thing I knew, I was working for JDate in 2002 and saw the same lame profiles you see today. A business was born.
Then I readthis New York Times feature on a woman who handles your dating apps and I felt a negative energy. It’s not that I was envious (which is true) or that I should spend more time promoting e-Cyrano (which is also true), it’s that this business model feels out of integrity to me.
e-Cyrano involves a questionnaire that takes hours and a phone interview where we compile all of your words into a profile that’s 95% you and 5% e-Cyrano.
These companies involve a literal Cyrano – someone pretending to be you, writing your emails and texts, actually interacting with another person under false pretenses.
Put another way: how would you feel if you discovered a man hired someone to flirt with you under his name? Pretty creepy, no?
I’ve long had the opportunity – and many requests – to do this for clients. I have refused every time. While it may seem like a negligible difference, in my opinion, there is a clear dividing line between offering advice on how to write to men and actually writing to men themselves.
I’m sure the woman who owns this business is a nice person, doing good work and helping others. It just doesn’t feel right to me from a moral standpoint.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
The post Is it Cool to Have a Ghostwriter Write to Men for You on Dating Apps? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
How You Can Be a Better Partner – And Bring Out a Better Partner In Return
Here’s what I tell all of the women who enroll in Love U:
There’s knowledge and there’s the application of knowledge.
Everyone knows how to lose weight: smaller portions, fewer starches, less sugar and red meat, more vegetables, etc. Yet 40% of the US is obese and 31% more are overweight. Thus, losing weight isn’t just about knowing how to lead a healthy lifestyle; it’s about DOING it consistently. Same goes with dating.
You can scour 1000 blog posts that I’ve written to basically figure out how to become more confident, communicate effectively and make healthier long-term relationship choices, but if you’re not actually in a happy, long-term relationship right now, you can see the massive difference between knowing and doing.
Which is why I responded to this New York Times article called “How to Actually Follow Through on the Relationship Advice You Get.”
It was written by a sex therapist, Vanessa Marin, who starts with this: “The reality is that having a great relationship doesn’t need to be as hard as it often feels. There is so much smart — and actionable — relationship advice out there. We know the things that make our partner happy and keep our relationship solid. So why do we struggle to follow through?”
Great question.
From my vantage point, we’re all highly attuned to the flaws of our partner.
From my vantage point, we’re all highly attuned to the flaws of our partner, the things we’re not receiving, and the myriad ways in which give and compromise; we are FAR less attuned to our own flaws, the ways in which we’re failing to give and the myriad ways our partners have to compromise to be with us. This is a central tenet of Love U that goes unacknowledged by most surface dating advice, in which the goal is to prove our partners wrong, rather than looking in the mirror at our own blind spots.
Here’s what Marin suggests:
Be Intentional:
“You just have to be intentional about maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s crucial to work on your relationship, instead of relying on your relationship to work. Eli Finkel, a professor at Northwestern University, said, “It’s tragic for an otherwise-good relationship to deteriorate badly because the partners never made the effort to address negative trends early on. This also requires viewing ourselves as works in progress. Be honest: What have you done in the last month to actively work on being the best version of yourself for your partner?”
Identify Your Values:
This is like speaking Dr. Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” and knowing how to make your partner happy on his/her terms rather than your own.
“To identify the values in your relationship, try having a conversation with your partner about the following questions:
“What do you think defines a great relationship?”
“What qualities in a relationship are most important to you?”
“What would you like more of in our relationship?”
Reappraise Conflict
“The basic idea behind this is to “think about conflict from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for everybody.” In other words, if a therapist was in the room with you, what might they say when you and your partner are arguing?”
This is pretty much all I do when I coach women from around the world. Instead of reflexively taking their side and providing validation, I try to offer a more objective point of view, like a mediator, so that the client can better understand the art of conflict resolution, as opposed to blame and misunderstanding.
There’s more but Marin gives some sound advice on being a better partner.
The question, as always, is whether you’re going to follow it.
What’s the one thing you learned most from this article and what are you going to implement moving forward?
The post How You Can Be a Better Partner – And Bring Out a Better Partner In Return appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..
* This article was originally published here
Should I Forgive the Guy Who Ghosted and Blocked Me?
I wasn’t really interested in meeting Ben at first, but he was rather persistent. Not creepy. Just persistent. I still wanted to delete the app because I was rather burned out and about to travel a lot for work. However, I decided to send him my number anyways and just see what happened. I also deleted my dating app as planned. Against my better judgement I decided to date this man. My guy the entire time was making me apprehensive.
What made me apprehensive? Not his consistent pursuit and attention. He called and texted every day, met my parents, and before we slept together on the 5th date we both bet open about what physical intimacy meant. For me, I said it was meaningful and not something I took lightly or casually. For him, he admitted I would be the first since his wife and that’d it’d be rather emotional, but we were on the same page. What made me apprehensive is he was recently divorced. I’m talking he sent me the first message on the dating 6 weeks post-divorce and his wife left him after she met someone else.
We only dated about 2 months, but I fell hard. Then it ended. I got back from a trip, we made plans for lunch the next day and he blocked me. Literally blocked my number. We were talking on the phone and texting as if all was fine up until then. He had a valuable piece of jewelry of mine. I was so upset that my mom had to call him to make sure I’d get the jewelry. Only then did he reach out and tell me “I was a wonderful woman, but he wasn’t ready. And he was sorry and he put the jewelry in the mail.”
I learned a lesson. A lot of lessons. I don’t want to write a novel to you though and I fear I already have. My question is, is it wrong to feel compassion for him? I mean blocking me after all that is a dick move, but I can’t help but want to just be his friend.
Thanks,
Jess
Sorry to hear your story, Jess. It’s an all-too-common-one (getting involved with a guy fresh out of a divorce), but your angle on it was unique, which is why I’m sharing it here today.
“Is it wrong to feel compassion for the guy who hurt me?”
No, it’s not wrong. In fact, it’s very, very right.
In saying this, let me be clear that:
I am not excusing his behavior.
I am not encouraging you to see him.
I am not recommending that you remain friends with him, like you asked.
All I am doing is something that seems to be rarely done these days – something you did naturally yourself – taking a moment to understand where someone else is coming from without condemning him or assuming the worst in him.
The reason your situation is a cliché is because it happens all the time – to both men AND women. You get out of a marriage that was dying for years, you’re yearning for attention, respect, affection, validation. You get on a dating site and you’re like a kid in a candy store.
Next thing you know, you dive into a relationship without knowing if you’re ready for it.
Next thing you know, you dive into a relationship without knowing if you’re ready for it.
Unfortunately, by the time you find out, it’s already too late.
You’re gonna end up hurting the person who took the plunge with you.
But that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means you’re human. It means you wanted to be ready but weren’t really ready. It means you were sensitive enough to call attention to it after two months instead of letting it go on for two years before pulling the plug.
The way he handled this situation was abominable. There’s no spin on that. Kind people deserve to have breakup conversations in person and the opportunity for understanding, if not closure. He didn’t grant you any of that – which may say something about how he handles difficulties and what kind of husband he’d be.
But that’s a separate issue. You’re not asking if you should marry him. You’re asking if you should have compassion for him. And the answer is yes. Because every person you date is a human being, with flaws and blind spots and insecurities and strengths, just like you.
And if you want men to be compassionate when you make mistakes, you’re best served by being similarly compassionate when he’s the one who screwed up.
Again, doesn’t mean you should stay friends with him (I wouldn’t recommend it). But it does mean forgiving him for his mistakes in your heart and wishing him well as he figures out what his life is going to look like after his divorce. That’s the kind thing to do.
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