Madonna recalls her dating rules during her early days in New York City The Times of India
* This article was originally published here
Saturday, June 20, 2026
Friday, June 19, 2026
How to Spot a Secure Man in 5 Minutes
I’ve been a dating coach since 2003.
During that time, I’ve read dozens of books on psychology, relationships, communication, and attachment. Some have taught me something new. Some have challenged my assumptions. Most have reinforced ideas I was already seeing play out in my coaching.
But every once in a while, I come across a book that makes me stop and think, “Finally. Someone put the science behind what I’ve been observing all along.”
That’s exactly how I felt reading Amir Levine’s new book Secure.
You know Levine from his blockbuster bestseller Attached, in which he popularized the idea of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. In Secure, he offers the solution on how to act secure and choose a secure partner.
I read the entire book in a week and finished feeling validated. In fact, there were multiple moments where I found myself highlighting passages and thinking, “I’ve been saying this for years.”
Here are five places where Secure and my work converge in ways that made me smile.
1. We both believe security is defined by consistency.
One of Levine’s definitions of a secure partner is someone who is CARRP: consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable.
My terminology for the traits that a good partner must have are: character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment.
Pretty similar, huh?
It shouldn’t be surprising. If a man consistently shows up, follows through, communicates clearly, and treats you with respect, your nervous system relaxes.
That’s what secure attachment looks like.
2. We both encourage you to lean on secure people.
One of the most interesting ideas in Secure is that when your attachment system is activated, you shouldn’t isolate. You should turn to secure people who help regulate your emotions instead of amplifying them.
My clients don’t hire me because I can magically hand them a husband. They hire me because when they’re spiraling, catastrophizing, or making excuses for emotionally unavailable men, I offer a grounded perspective that brings them back to reality.
This is often a healthier approach than asking your friends – many of whom are in bad relationships or struggling with the same issues as you.
3. We both emphasize real-time intervention.
One passage that particularly struck me was Levine’s observation that the most effective interventions often happen in the moment, before old attachment patterns have a chance to take over.
This is why coaching works better than consuming content or therapy. Reading a book is valuable. Venting to a trained professional for 50 minutes is valuable. But when you’re three dates into a confusing situation and your anxious brain is spinning out, you need someone who can interrupt the cycle before you repeat another mistake.
My clients know they can call or email any time and I will get back to them ASAP.
4. We both describe secure relationships as collaborative.
Most online advice focuses on the problems with “people pleasing” and “codependence.” that treats men as your combatants instead of your collaborators.
One of my favorite concepts in Secure is the idea that securely attached people don’t spend their relationships negotiating power. They naturally collaborate.
You’ve heard me describe the best relationships as “easy”? That’s what Levine is talking about and that’s a very different model than constantly setting boundaries with someone who resists your needs.
In truly healthy relationships, both people are equally invested in each other’s happiness.
5. We both focus on the effectiveness of treatment above all.
Levine isn’t interested in labeling people as broken. He’s interested in asking whether a strategy is working. That’s been my coaching philosophy from the beginning. It’s never “right vs. wrong.” It’s “effective vs. ineffective.”
I don’t spend much time debating whether your behavior stems from childhood wounds, attachment injuries, or personality traits. The more useful question is simple: Is what you’re doing getting you the relationship you want?
If the answer is no, we change the behavior.
At the end of the day, both Secure and I are trying to accomplish the same thing: to stop repeating old relationship patterns, and to start building relationships that feel good.
His contribution is explaining the science of secure attachment. Mine is translating those principles into practical decisions that smart, successful women can apply while dating.
Love,
Evan
* This article was originally published here
Thursday, June 18, 2026
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