The editors of my second book (Why You’re Still Single) cut a chapter of my book against my will. It was called “Your Friends May Be Hazardous to Your Health.”
The feedback? “Women aren’t ready to hear this.”
That was TWENTY years ago. I think you’re ready.
To set the scene: if you were struggling with money, would you ask your friend with the least successful career for help?
No, you would not. But when it comes to dating advice, who are you asking?
Friends who are single. Friends who are frustrated and confused. Friends who are disillusioned with dating apps and men. Friends who may not understand or empathize with men. Friends who, to put it bluntly, have not had success in love.
I have empathy for them. I believe they care deeply about you. I believe they’re sharing their lived experience and wisdom with you. I also believe that they haven’t figured anything out and are just grasping at straws to explain why they’re still single. And since we are all the heroes in our own story, the easiest thing to conclude is that it’s everybody else’s fault.
Men in my city! Men my age! Divorced guys! Never married guys! Widowers! Rich men! Poor men! Single dads!
Yes, if you date men, men will be the people who frustrate you.
So who do you turn to next? The Internet! Surely, the dating influencers have a nuanced answer in the form of a 30 second reel?
Yeah, that’s also not how it works. The algorithms work on outrage. What content goes viral? Men trashing women with no empathy or understanding for the plight of women. After all, misery loves company and who is more miserable than the guys in the red-pill manosphere? And who reacts to those guys as if they’re representative of all men? You guessed it: Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook groups and The Burned Haystack Facebook group. In such groups, everything a man does is a red flag.
How do I know this? Because those groups have trashed ME and my entire career is built on telling women to raise their standards, cut off 90% of men, and listen to your feelings.
The fact is: every group of like-minded people is in an information bubble and has its own inadvertent blind spots. This was the problem with old-boys networks and why the world is so much better now that women get more college degrees, law degrees and medical degrees than men. But what happens when you have hundreds of thousands of women opining on heterosexual relationships without the input of any men?
You get a pretty one-sided argument in which men’s needs aren’t even considered. And even if trashing men feels good (because there are SO MANY bad men), that’s no recipe for a happy relationship. If you doubt that, let’s flip things around one more time:
If you met a man who generally hated and mistrusted women and was dismissive of their opinions, would you want to date him? No f-ing way!
So why would a man want to date a woman who generally hates and mistrusts men and is dismissive of their opinions? That’s right. He wouldn’t.
The good news – and there is good news – is that this is the algorithms talking; I don’t think most people truly feel that the opposite sex is irredeemable. But those who do are getting the most attention on the internet – and that is the narrative I want to change.
At the end of the day, you have a choice: listen to the angry single women who tell you to delete the apps, give up on men, and opt out of marriage OR listen to people in relationships where men and women respect each other, get along famously, and live happily ever after.
* This article was originally published here
