The habits that make you successful at work are often the same habits that make love harder to find.
If you’re like a lot of my clients, you may have become independent as a child because you learned you couldn’t rely on anybody else. Maybe you had an absent father. Maybe your Mom was an alcoholic. Maybe your parents fought all the time. The message you picked up was that you’re on your own and no one is taking care of you.
As an adult, you channeled it into something productive. You were intelligent. You had a work ethic. You could always count on yourself. Independence is vital to your survival.
Let’s first acknowledge that self-sufficiency can be a great thing. But limitless independence – as opposed to interdependence – teaches lessons that run antithetical to a healthy marriage.
Case in point: if your Mom was a mess, your Dad was a jerk, and you never trusted your ex-husband to get things done (pay the bills, take out the trash, listen to you), you have a template that reinforces that original message: you’re on your own.
But what happens when you meet a man who is different from that? He’s been successful. He gets shit done. He’s in his masculine and all he wants is to be able to do things for you.
And what does he hear most off when he offers?
“I’m too busy.”
“I can do that myself.”
“That’s not right.”
If men want to be useful and most of your messaging is “I don’t need a man,” he’s most likely to turn to a woman who sees him as useful.
This pattern frequently comes up with my most successful clients, who, out of necessity, take control to succeed in the workplace.
Think about that dynamic in a relationship with an equally successful man.
If you’re like most of my clients, you operate at around 70% masculine energy. That’s the secret to your success. It’s not being passive. It’s not about being agreeable. It’s knowing what you want and going out and getting it. Again, this is a good thing.
Now, picture the man you’re the most attracted to. He’s probably a lot like you – just a little…more. Taller. Smarter. Richer. Funnier.
Better yet, he takes care of things without you having to micromanage him.
Sound great in theory. In practice, we have two people in two people in the driver’s seat. Two hands on the same steering wheel. But neither one is willing to let go of control.
This is the biggest conundrum I’ve seen over two decades of helping women navigate dating and find compatible partners. You genuinely want a man to take care of you, yet it’s really hard to let go of the wheel when you’ve had a firm grip on it your entire life.
To be clear: I’m not asking you to change who you are.
But in a relationship where you want a man to step up for you, at some point, you have to let go of the wheel and let him do things for you.
Let him lift the heavy grocery bag. Let him make the dinner reservation. Let him do things his way without second-guessing and micromanaging.
None of that changes your personality. It exhibits respect and trust that even if he doesn’t do exactly what you want, he’s competent and his opinion matters.
In the healthiest relationships, EACH partner sands down their desire for control. I do this and most of my happily married friends have some version of the same thing.
Listen to my latest podcast to hear how to get it yourself.
Love,
Evan
* This article was originally published here
