The Price of True Love – How Much Is a Dating Coach, and Is It Worth It?

You’ve begun to think you might need some help. Modern romance is full of challenges. We don’t meet each other the way we used to. A lot of nice men are cautious about inappropriate approaches, especially in the workplace. You are probably busy, tired, and have little free time. New online dating formats can be puzzling or scary. And that’s just for starters.

Have you had toxic relationships, or experienced “ghosting” with dates that had initially seemed enjoyable? Maybe you’re online, but you’re only hearing from men you’d never date in a million years. Maybe you’re not hearing from anyone. Worse still, you may have spent considerable time and emotional investment with someone who simply doesn’t seem ready to commit.

Your friends and family tell you that you’re amazing, that you haven’t met the right guy, and that someone will show up when you stop looking. Or they try to set you up with a future partner based on inaccurate information about both of you. You look in the mirror and see a smart, successful woman who has so much to offer. In the meantime, your self-esteem is tanking – and this can lead to a self-perpetuating cycle.

Key Takeaways:

• Learn when it’s time to seek help from a dating coach
• Discover why the value of a dating coach justifies the cost
• Get to know dating coach Evan Marc Katz and his Love U program

INDEX

• Maybe It’s Time To Send in the Coach
• Sounds Expensive… How Much Should I Expect To Pay?
• Prioritizing Love
• Does the Value Really Justify the Cost? How Do I Find Someone Reputable?
• What Am I Getting for My Money?
• Evan Marc Katz and Love U
• What is Love U?
• Comparing Dating Coaches To Matchmaking Services
• The Bottom Line

Maybe It’s Time To Send in the Coach

This is where a dating coach comes in. Their services can range from one-on-one counseling, help with dating profiles, and classes to hand-holding throughout the dating process. The best of them will give you the most benefit from being objective and experienced. It’s a dating coach’s goal to tell you the truth about what they see.

It’s literally their job to determine what’s not working in your love life, and what blind spots you have when it comes to choosing the wrong partner. They have no history with you and see you as you are today. They’re able to come up with a personalized, comprehensive plan to get you the unconditional love you deserve.

What’s more, they know the territory. Online dating sites are all a little different, and they cater to a different type of clientele. A good dating coach stays abreast of the changing technology and the communication style appropriate to each site.

Sounds Expensive… How Much Should I Expect To Pay?

I know you want to know, but the question of cost isn’t as easy as it sounds. Few professional dating coach businesses will reveal costs upfront because the best ones are a truly customized experience, with different packages of counseling, classes, and online assistance. Long-term programs are different than one-offs as well.

The price of a dating coach can vary significantly depending on factors: the coach’s level of experience, the services they offer, and their location. Some dating coaches charge by the hour, while others offer package rates for a series of sessions or coaching packages.

If you do some research and reach out to individual dating coaches, you’ll get a better understanding of their rates and services. It’s a good idea to shop around and get quotes from a few different coaches to get a sense of what’s available and what you can afford.

Referrals from friends who’ve gone through the process can be helpful. Consulting with a therapist or counselor can also give you guidance and support in navigating the dating coach world. They may have colleagues who specialize in this niche area.

The best dating coaches may determine whether group or private coaching programs are a better fit for you. This will often make quite a difference in the price you’re paying.

Like life coaching, couples counselors, or even fitness coaches, a lot depends on the coach’s experience, location, and the type of services they offer. Some dating coaches offer one-time sessions or consultations, while others offer ongoing coaching packages that can last for several weeks or months.

Prioritizing Love

You may be asking yourself, “Is it really worth investing in an online dating coach? I get good advice from friends, family, and online articles like these!”

While your friends may have good advice, they don’t always see the big picture, nor are they necessarily going to be completely honest with you. In the realm of “you get what you pay for,” free advice comes from people who, although well-meaning, may not be trained to see beyond what you’re telling them about your personal life.

Sure, it’s a cost. Professional dating consultants are paid for a reason. They have seen thousands of clients over a few decades, and are known to provide honest feedback that’s specifically about YOU.

Think about what you’re spending your money on. Then ask yourself what’s really more important than your personal happiness in a relationship of a lifetime.

For Evan Marc Katz, and successful dating coaches like him, your successful love life is the biggest reward. They’ve dedicated themselves to your personal evolution.

Whether it’s navigating the treacherous terrain of online dating, honing your social skills, gaining clarity on what kind of partner is a good fit for you, or getting the best possible advice on how to get a good man to commit, a dating coach can be the best investment you can make in yourself and your future. The world is a big place, full of complicated relationships. A coach like Evan can make it manageable.

Does the Value Really Justify the Cost? How Do I Find Someone Reputable?

Don’t take our word for it. There’s plenty of evidence. You can read glowing reviews from women who have found their life partners with dating consultants and coaches.

If you’re ready to find a life partner, it’s important to make it a priority. Yes, there are a lot of other ways you could spend your time and money. But don’t sell yourself short. You deserve happiness, and sometimes it takes a professional to help you get there.

One caveat – Anyone can hang out a shingle and call themselves a dating coach. You’ll want to look for a relationship coach with a wealth of experience, testimonials, and success stories. In Evan Marc Katz’s case, for instance, his work has spanned nearly 20 years and has an incredible success rate, with hundreds of online reviews and customer testimonials.

When you hire a dating coach, be sure you’re not just on some influencer’s website. Vet your potential dating coach thoroughly. Satisfied clients dictate who is really worth the money.

What Am I Getting for My Money?

Depending on the dating coach (or dating consultant or relationship coach – all basically the same idea), they’ll go over your dating history with you and, much like a life or fitness coach, see what’s working and what’s not working for you. Your dating history most likely has some patterns worth noting. A good dating coach will be able to suss those out and make them clearer to you. Breaking up old habits and recurring relationship problems is in their primary tool kit.

A professional dating consultant is trained to listen. They’ll give you a customized experience, and relationship advice that is tailored specifically to who you are and what you want. Whether it’s bolstering your self-confidence, giving you new communication skills, or helping to select a potential partner, they’re there to fill in the gaps.

An online dating consultant is especially convenient. The time and expense of travel and parking are gone. You may also find you’re much more frank and relaxed in the privacy of your own home as well.

If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, a dating coach can catch you up to date on current mores and social expectations that may have changed since you were last in the dating world.

More importantly, they can give you the best tips for a successful relationship. You may find that you’ll learn more about what a healthy relationship really entails than you ever knew before. From the first date to the last, your coach will be by your side, cheering you on.

Evan Marc Katz and Love U

One of the best examples of a great package is Evan Marc Katz and his Love U program. Evan is often described as the first dating coach in the country. He’s been doing this for 20 years and has watched the changes in society’s dating behaviors over that time.

Along with his services as an online dating consultant, he gives more free info (newsletter, blog, podcast, YouTube) than just about anyone, and his blog, podcast, and social media get hundreds of thousands of views each month. He’s won awards, been featured in Oprah, and is internationally recognized for his dating coach services, dating advice, and thousands of satisfied clients.

Since dating coaching is a relatively recent development – here are a few FAQs about what it’s like to get coaching services from Evan Marc Katz and his online program, Love U.

What is Love U?

Love U is a one-stop-shop to teach you everything you need to know about dating, relationships, and men. It contains video/audio/transcripts/exercises for 6 monthly modules.

• Month 1: Confidence
• Month 2: Meeting Men
• Month 3: Dating
• Month 4: Understanding Men
• Month 5: Relationships
• Month 6: Commitment

In addition to six months of unique content, you get access to 6 months of group coaching with Evan Marc Katz and 6 months of support and Q&A in the Love U community – so that you can learn to trust your judgment with men once and for all.

By the time you graduate from Love U, you will make smart, healthy decisions that allow you to get the love you deserve — ideally without further coaching.

I’m a busy woman with lots of previous obligations. How much time will Love U take?

In each week of Love U, there are an average of 25-35 minutes of videos on different relationship topics. This is why Evan says to give him 5 minutes a day and he will give you a husband.

What happens on the Love U Live group coaching calls?

While Love U is a video-based curriculum, you get the best results when you can ask questions, get support, and have Evan hold your hand through this process.

This is why you get:

6 months of live coaching calls, where you can meet other smart, strong, successful women who are going through the same Love U process. Whether you or not you ask questions in the live sessions, you will learn tons from our epic Q&As.

If you have a work conflict or are in a different time zone that prevents you from attending, each coaching call is posted privately inside Love U the next day so you can watch, listen, and take notes.

6 months in the Love U Community, where you can get assistance from Evan and hundreds of other smart women. Seriously. Ask a question about the guy you just started dating and dozens of women (and Evan) will give you a Love U-approved perspective – so you don’t have to rely on your mom or your friend who gave up on men for relationship advice.

Combine the videos and exercises with the coaching calls and community, and you have a complete package to get you on track with your dating life.

Comparing Dating Coaches To Matchmaking Services

No one will say their prices aloud, but many matchmakers charge $30,000, $60,000, and even $100K to set you up on 6-10 dates. That’s $10,000 per date with men who are no different than the ones you can find on a dating app! By contrast, Love U offers lifetime access to a 280-video library, plus 50+ hours of coaching with Evan, as well as a community of smart women going through the same process – for a small fraction of the price.

A good dating coach program will not only help you choose prospective partners wisely but also guide you through dating and relationship behaviors that might be holding you back. Some offer a six-week program, but the better coaches offer a six-month program so that you can actually see results in your love life.

The Bottom Line

Dating and relationship advice is easy to come by and often free. You can put up a dating profile on your own. But the right dating coach will transform your experience, help you find the romantic partners you’ve been seeking, and give you the dating skills and tools you’ll need for successful romantic relationships.

If you’ve heard the testimonials, you’ll know that it’s worth every penny. Most clients wonder why they ever waited so long. When you hire a dating coach, you are making an investment in yourself and putting that intention out into the world.

They say that the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. If you want to have a different result, you try a different approach.

Click here to book a free Love U breakthrough session.

JOIN LOVE U

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EMU MBB Plays Host to Kent State Tuesday - EMU Eagles

EMU MBB Plays Host to Kent State Tuesday  EMU Eagles

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How To Find a Dating Coach

Finding a dating coach can be a daunting task, especially if you’re not sure where to start. But with a little information and the right guidance, you can easily find a coach who can help you improve your dating skills and increase your chances of finding a compatible partner.

Key Takeaways:

• Learn how to hire the right dating coach for your situation
• Compare dating coaches to find the best one
• Get to know dating coach Evan Marc Katz and his Love U program

INDEX

• What Are Your Relationship Goals?
• What To Look For in a Dating Coach?
• Meet a few dating coaches
• Good, better, best dating coaches
• Your work is ahead
• Shopping for Relationship Success
• Evan Marc Katz and Love U

What Are Your Relationship Goals?

To find a dating coach, the first thing you need to do is define your goals and objectives. Do you want to improve your confidence and self-esteem? Do you want to evaluate your communication styles with potential partners and become better in one on one interactions? Do you want to hone some new social skills? Do you want to gain a better understanding of the dating landscape and how to navigate it successfully?

Once you have a clear idea of what you want to achieve, you can start researching potential dating coaches. You can ask for recommendations from friends or colleagues who have worked with a dating coach. You can check with a professional family therapist, someone in life coaching, or a counselor to see if they have colleagues working in this niche area. Or you can search online for coaches who specialize in the areas you’re looking to improve.

What To Look For in a Dating Coach?

When researching dating coaches, it’s important to look for someone who has experience and expertise in the areas on which you want to focus. You should consider their education and training, their professional credentials and certifications, and how long they’ve been in the coaching business.

In addition to their relationship coaching history, it’s also important to find a coach who has a track record of success. Look for coaches who have helped their clients achieve their goals and find compatible partners. You can read reviews and testimonials from their past clients to get a better idea of their effectiveness.

Meet a few dating coaches

Once you’ve narrowed down your search to a few potential coaches, schedule some consultations. This will give you the opportunity to learn more about their approach and philosophy, as well as their availability and fees. It will also allow you to get a sense of their personality and whether you would feel comfortable working with them. While some offer free consultations, many of the best dating coaches charge, so be prepared.

During the consultations, be prepared to ask questions about the coach’s experience and credentials, as well as their success rate and the specific techniques and strategies they use to help their clients. You should also discuss your goals and objectives, and ask for their recommendations on how to achieve them.

Once you’ve had consultations with several coaches, it’s time to make a decision. Choose the coach who you feel has the most experience, expertise, and success in the areas that you want to focus on. You should also choose someone who you feel comfortable working with and who you believe can help you achieve your goals.

Good, better, best dating coaches

In every class, there are A students, and there are C students. The best dating coaches will have the experience we talked about, the great testimonials, the system, and the hands-on attention. They’ll provide coaching services that are tailor-made for you specifically.

Online dating consultants can be particularly convenient. Saving the time and expense of commuting to them, they have the benefit of understanding the technology – the latest dating app as well as current norms in the dating world. An online dating coach has insights into the dating scene beyond You may find you’re more comfortable opening up to someone when you’re chatting from your living room in comfy clothes.

Your work is ahead

When you find a coach, it’s important to be open and honest with them about your goals and challenges, as well as your personal experience with both good and bad relationships. Share your view of the perfect partner.

This is the time to be prepared for some personal growth and increased self-awareness. If you’re incredibly shy, it’s a chance to bolster your self-confidence. Sometimes it takes a little more self-love to attract a better love life in general. If you’re terrible at small talk, now’s the time to learn different conversation styles. If you have an initial attraction to people who don’t turn out to be good for you, you may have to rethink why you’re attracted. Knowing how to have a healthy relationship isn’t necessarily something you’re born with.

Remember, what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working. So even if it seems like they’re giving you terrible suggestions, it’s a chance to break free of old habits that have been holding you back. You should be constantly evolving; a dating coach can help initiate changes you wouldn’t make on your own.

Just as with a personal trainer or family therapist, your coach will be there to support you and provide guidance, but they can’t do the work for you. It’s up to you to put in the effort and follow their recommendations in order to see results. While successful dating may not happen overnight, your hard work and perseverance are bound to improve your dating life in every way.

Shopping for Relationship Success

The bottom line is that you’ll want to vet your relationship coach thoroughly. Do your research. Look online and see what’s being said about them. See if they have written materials that really explain what you’re getting. Don’t just be lulled in by a free consultation – Like everything else, you often get what you pay for. And what could be a more important expense than one that transforms your self-confidence, dating experience, and romantic relationships?

On the other hand, a dating coach like Evan Marc Katz costs a fraction of what a professional matchmaker charges, and for a larger body of information and support. One-on-one consulting is great, and dating advice is great – but are they offering longer-term follow-up? Do they do the kind of hand-holding you may need to break free of unhealthy relationships and come to your love life in new ways?

Look beyond a cute business name, or even an elegant one. See what past clients have to say and don’t stop with just the top-listed testimonials. Remember, the best dating coaches are going to have excited clients who say they can’t believe they waited so long.

When you research potential dating coaches, and choose someone who has experience and expertise in the areas that you want to improve, you can find a coach who can help you achieve your goals and increase your chances of finding a dream partner. Selecting a dating coach can be the most valuable investment you can make in your personal and romantic life. Finding the right partner is a game-changer. Defining your goals, yourself, and what you really want in a long-term relationship develops the self-awareness you’ll need for a successful relationship.

Evan Marc Katz and Love U

Evan Marc Katz is known as one the best dating coaches in the world. He’s been offering his dating coaching services for 20 years. Four books, hundreds of articles, blogs, podcasts – he has the certifications, he has the awards, he’s been talked about on Oprah. He has more marriages and successful lasting relationship stories under his belt than most relationship coaches have had clients.

More importantly, his experience has led him to develop a program that doesn’t stop with one-off consultations.

Realizing that one-on-one coaching was a great start but that smart, successful women looking for love need even more support, he created Love U to be a one-stop-shop to teach you everything you need to know about dating, relationships, and men in six months:

• Month 1: Confidence
• Month 2: Meeting Men
• Month 3: Dating
• Month 4: Understanding Men
• Month 5: Relationships
• Month 6: Commitment

In addition to the 6 months of content, you get access to 6 months of group coaching with Evan and 6 months of support and Q&A in the Love U community – so that you can learn to trust your judgment with men once and for all. Having amazing conversations with smart, successful women like yourself helps to put things into perspective. Coaching should ensure you will make smart, healthy decisions that allow you to get the love you deserve.

Click here to book a free Love U breakthrough session.

APPLY TO LOVE U

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Advice | Ex is mad that I'm dating his friend. Carolyn Hax readers ... - The Washington Post

Advice | Ex is mad that I'm dating his friend. Carolyn Hax readers ...  The Washington Post

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Woman shares the rules she doesn’t ‘regret’ for online dating: 'Safety comes first' - Yahoo Life

Woman shares the rules she doesn’t ‘regret’ for online dating: 'Safety comes first'  Yahoo Life

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Dating Statistics to Help You Find the Right Man

If you’re a smart, successful single woman, it may feel impossible to find a man who provides everything you need. And if you’ve dated online for any period of time, you’ve had lots of evidence to support that worldview. Men are lazy. Men are flaky. Men are sex-crazed. Men are selfish. Men are stupid. Men are terrible conversationalists. Men aren’t interested in commitment. That’s the most common narrative, anyway.

But there’s another side to the story, one that doesn’t get nearly as much attention.

Millions of people meet online, fall in love, and get married each year. If that rings false for you because dating feels like ghosting and disappointment, prepare to see the glass half-full instead of the glass half-empty. The below statistics don’t mean that most men online are worthy of your attention (they’re not!). But it does mean that if you learn to date the Love U way, there’s a good chance you can get the relationship of your dreams. 

10 Online Dating Statistics  

1. 39% of all marriages in 2015 started with online dating.

There’s a perception that people who date online aren’t serious. It’s true – many are not. But when online dating accounts for nearly 40% of all marriages – and connects more people than bars, hobbies, church, and set-ups combined, it’s clearly a mainstream viable option if you want to jumpstart your love life and look for a serious partner.

2. 77% of online daters went on a date with someone they met online.

Sure, many singles who go online are ambivalent or intimidated but the vast majority of people who set up online dating profiles actually go on dates in real life. Truly, there has never been an easier way to meet people than using dating apps or online dating sites. 

3. 33% of men said they “casually like most profiles” even though they are not attracted.

Sometimes, it can be flattering to know that someone liked your dating profile, especially if he’s your type. But keep in mind that some men often swipe right on all women, just to keep their options open. 

4. Women only swipe right on 14% of men on Tinder (compared to men swiping right on 46% of women).

That study was a few years ago. More recent reports show that women swipe right on fewer than 5% of men. So if you find yourself frustrated by the many guys who swipe and don’t follow through, ask yourself what it would feel like to be ignored by 95% of the population. That’s what it’s like to be an average man. 

5. 81% of online daters lie on their profile.

While being lied to may feel exasperating, most people lie because they know that if they tell the truth, they don’t have a chance. So people (men and women) rationalize shaving off a few years, misrepresenting their body type, adding an inch to your height just to “get in the door.” Given how many people lie, you should probably assume that everyone is fudging a little bit and be pleasantly surprised when you discover he’s telling the truth.

6. COVID-19 lockdown has increased online dating engagement.

Based on a study conducted by OkCupid, there’s been a 10% increase in total matches, 20% in conversations, and 30% increase in overall sent messages during the pandemic. Besides that, the COVID-19 lockdown has caused a 40% increase in intro messages, which means more engagement in the dating app.

7. More than 50% believe that online dating is a nice way to meet potential partners.

Once upon a time, people met at church through their families. Now, more people work from home, have smaller groups of friends, and simply don’t meet people in real life. So if you can log onto a dating site or download a bunch of dating apps to connect with strangers, you’ve got a limitless pipeline of opportunity to meet your future spouse.

8. One in 10 online daters quit after three months.

A study from Statistic Brain found that 10% of online daters use online dating apps for 3 months and cancel their subscription after that. This statistic says a lot more about those people than online dating itself. Consider: you don’t go on a hunger strike after a bad meal. You don’t quit the gym if you haven’t lost weight. Those who give up on online dating have unrealistic expectations about how long it should take to find someone special. You didn’t meet Mr. Right in the last 40 years; why would you expect him to show up in the next 90 days?

9. 28% of online daters make over $75,000

If you’re an educated woman with a good career and you’re looking for a man who makes the same amount of money or more, you’re in luck. There are no shortage of men who earn an upper-middle-class salary and can be a true partner, emotionally, physically, and yes, economically. 

10. Women should write to men online first.

If you’re a woman who is not satisfied with the quality and quantity of the men writing to you, you should initiate contact with men. You won’t get the same response rate as when men write to you first, but if 30% of men reply to you, at least they’re men you desire instead of men you want to delete.

10 Dating Statistics 

1. 78% of people think men should pay for the first date.

They say that chivalry is dead but, by this metric, it’s alive and well. You’d expect that women would value the display of generosity that comes with picking up the check more than men, but, in fact, 85% of men expect to pay for the first date (well over the 72% of women who expect them to). Furthermore, according to the linked study, men are willing to shell out more money than women expect them to. 

2. Only 5% of women ask out men for the first date.

While we are living in the most egalitarian world ever, gender roles still apply most of the time. Men understand that if they are interested, they have to take the initiative, and women, for the most part, don’t need to take the initiative if a man is interested.

3. 10% of men might be waiting for a woman to take the first move and ask them out on a date.

While only 5% of women are taking action, 10% of men want you to ask them out – mostly because they’re shy, inexperienced, and afraid of rejection. I’d still recommend letting men take the lead instead, but hey, if you want to date a guy who is too shy to ask you out, then go for it.

4. Two-thirds of people get second dates a majority of the time. 

This isn’t a universal statistic, nor is it intended to make you feel bad if you don’t get second dates. This is just a valuable reminder that dating involves a lot of trial and error. Even if you don’t get second dates every time (and everyone gets rejected eventually), if you go on one date per week, you’re likely to find one guy a month who is worthy of a second date. 

5. 75% of surveyed individuals agreed that it’s essential for their romantic partner to share the same political beliefs.

A Singles in America study reported that 45% of all singles want to know their love interest’s political viewpoints by the second date. In addition, they believe that it’s essential to be with a person who shares the same political interests with them. I don’t think this is a good thing, but given where we’re at as a society, it’s not terribly surprising to see people look for partners who validate their political perspectives.

6. Women don’t enjoy hookup culture as much as men.

While there is no shame in being sexually liberated and sleeping with whomever you want, a lot of women who are sleeping around don’t find it emotionally satisfying. In the linked survey, 100% of female interviewees and three-quarters of female survey respondents stated a clear preference for committed relationships. So, CAN you sleep around? Sure, if it makes you happy. But if it doesn’t, there’s nothing wrong with saving sex for a boyfriend.

7. Men value kissing, cuddling, and caressing more than women.

The Kinsey Institute surveyed 1,000 couples from the U.S. to identify their relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Surprisingly, more men are found to be happy with their relationship, while most women were just sexually satisfied. 

8. You can have sex on the first date and turn it into a relationship. 

In a Match.com poll, 25% of poll participants turned a one-night stand into a relationship. Of course, that doesn’t say how many of those relationships turned into healthy, long-term marriages, but if you’re hooking up quickly, know that you’re not alone. 

9. Women who want children should take dating seriously in their early 30’s

It’s wonderful if you’re enjoying your career, your freedom, and your hobbies as a successful woman in your thirties. But if you want to have your own biological children, you never have more options (both with men and fertility) than when you’re in your early 30’s. While you still have a 5% chance of getting pregnant in a given month when you’re 38, that number drops precipitously in your 40’s. In other words, you may want to look for a life partner before you’re 35 instead of panicking when you’re on the other side of it.

10. The order and pace in which you take your relationship matters.

It’s easy to suggest that relationships – if they’re right – will work out organically. Except studies show that this is not true. From the study above, which shows that people who don’t consider normal relationship milestones are more likely to break up. “Think of the college couple whose relationship began as a random hookup, the couple who moved in together so that they could pay less rent, or the couple who chose to elope on a whim rather than have a formal wedding. These are couples who, often without realizing it, slid through relationship transitions that could have been planned out, discussed, and debated. The data show that couples who slid through their relationship transitions ultimately had poorer marital quality than those who made intentional decisions about major milestones. How couples make choices matters.”

10 Relationship Statistics and Marriage Statistics

1. Married women are happier than single women.

It’s wonderful if you’re very happy being single. Now, imagine yourself in love and happily married. Sounds like an improvement, doesn’t it? In fact, 24% of singles self-report as “very happy” while 43% of married couples do the same.

2. 56% of surveyed women say living together is important to ensure compatibility before marriage.

A study conducted by He Says, She Says: Gender and Cohabitation in 2011 shows that most women surveyed prefer to live with their partners despite not being married. They want to get to know their potential husbands first to ensure that their marriage will be a strong one. Good idea.

3. Women who date men longer are more likely to remain married

Love at first sight does happen to some people. The problem is that love at first sight doesn’t always mean you’re compatible in the long run. Often, women who “just knew” when they met their “soulmate” get married too quickly and come to regret it. A smarter choice is to deepen your relationship for two to three years before getting married.

4. The divorce rate is declining. No, really!

The divorce rate in first marriages probably peaked at about 40 percent for first marriages around 1980 and has been declining since to about 30 percent. For college educated women who marry after the age of 25 and have established an independent source of income, the divorce rate is only 20 percent!

5. 38% of wives earn more than their husbands.

38% of wives earn more than their husbands. This sounds like something to be celebrated, but the second women outearn their partners, they begin to resent them. Even earning $5,000/yr more correlates to a greater risk of divorce. Basically, men have to be less insecure about women who make more money, and women have to stop looking down on men who make less money. 

6. 23% of men and 19% cheat over the course of their marriage.

How you feel about this statistic says a lot about your life experience. If you’ve chosen to date a series of low-character who eventually cheated on you, you’ll think this number is too low. If your world has never been touched by infidelity, this number will seem high. The truth is that it doesn’t matter how we feel about the number: 4 out of 5 married people stay faithful to their spouses for the entire time they’re married. 

7. American women are having more kids than before – without men.

In the mid-1990s, there were virtually no never-married woman in her early 40s with a postgraduate degree having children. But today, 25 percent of women who fit that profile do. Similarly, over 50% of children born to women 20-30 are born out of wedlock. What this means is that the most and least educated women are having more kids than they used to – and doing so without men.

 8. Gay marriages are more equitable (and happier) than straight marriages.

Two of the best predictors of relationship happiness are a partner’s willingness to be sensitive to emotional cues and to share housework and childrearing. Almost half of dual-earner, same-sex couples shared laundry duties, compared with just under a third of different-sex couples. And 74 percent of same-sex couples shared routine child care, compared with only 38 percent of straight couples. 

9. Marriage rates are highly impacted by economic status. 

“Fewer Americans are marrying overall, and whether they do so is more tied to socioeconomic status than ever before. In recent years, marriage has sharply declined among people without college degrees, while staying steady among college graduates with higher incomes. Currently, 26 percent of poor adults, 39 percent of working-class adults and 56 percent of middle- and upper-class adults ages 18 to 55 are married.”

10. Happiness is love. Full stop.

Harvard ran one of longest-running longitudinal studies of human development in history. to determine what factors contribute most strongly to human flourishing.

In Vallant’s own words, the #1 most important finding from the study is this: “The seventy-five years and twenty million dollars expended on the Grant Study points to a straightforward five-word conclusion: Happiness is love. Full stop.”

Happy Marriage Doesn’t Happen By Accident

I hope these studies paint a clearer picture of the dating and relationship landscape for you.

From the online dating studies, you see that online dating and dating apps are not only a viable way to meet people, but an essential tool in creating a love life from scratch.

You see that men remain traditional in some ways – initiating contact, picking up the first check – but many appreciate it when you write to them online first.

You see that online dating, while flawed, has introduced millions of people who never would have met – and allowed them to create happy relationships.

From the dating studies, you see the importance of prioritizing dating at a younger age, the dichotomy between women having one-night stands but not enjoying hookup culture, and that there are better ways to pace a relationship than others. 

Finally, from the relationship studies, you see the importance of cohabitation, the idea that marriage is getting stronger for educated women over the age of 40, and that, in a world where women earn more than men, both genders have to adjust their expectations a bit.

Love – in all its complexity – doesn’t  happen when you least expect it. It takes confidence, effort and strength to persevere, aim high, and refuse to settle for less. 

That’s why I created Love U, a course that helps smart, strong, successful women understand men and make healthier relationship choices. Click here to learn more. 

* This article was originally published here

Why Can’t Men Refrain from Looking at Photos of Sexy Women and Fantasizing?

You’ve been hurt. You’ve lost. And you felt insecure with all the sexy women online.

You keep on thinking why your man can’t seem to refrain from fantasizing about other women even when he’s with you. Is there something inherently wrong with him or his beliefs about your relationship?

We all know that men tend to be visual creatures, and when it comes to sexy pictures from attractive women, they can’t help but take a peek. But the truth is, he genuinely cares about you. He is completely devoted to you in real life. He’s not hooking up with a pornstar or an attractive woman at the supermarket.

Think of your feelings about this as simply: human nature. It’s not a big deal. So if you’re one of the women wondering why their man can’t seem to keep their eyes off of scantily clad women, read on for an explanation. You may be surprised!

I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I understand the whole cavemen instinct, but what I don’t understand is the adult choice to refrain or give in to temptation.  I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.  I have asked my boyfriend of 3 and a half years: if I got off on another man while having sex with him would it bother him. I’ve also asked him whether looking at sexy photos of other men and fantasizing about those other men, would bother him and he said yes it would to both questions.  I wonder why it bothers men when women do it but they feel quite justified to do it themselves with little or no conscience?    Being devoted to a person is a choice. The level of that devotion is variable and sometimes unacceptable.

I am completely devoted to my boyfriend, but he occasionally looks at pictures of other women and of course I know that he gets off on those other women. Yet he proclaims to be 100% devoted to me and tells me often how much he loves me and holds me tight like he really does love me.  When I know that he’s been looking at pictures of other women I just feel like I’ve been betrayed and his “love” is just a lie – how can he love me if he is being mentally unfaithful?  When I know he’s been getting off on other women I feel like I’m not worth his interest, like I’m not good enough. There is no way in the world I can compete physically with those women in the pictures he gets off on.  I am quite desperate to get my head around exactly what it is the drives a man to give into the same desires that I myself deliberately avoid for the sake of devotion.  Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman??

There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate. I do not turn to pictures of other sexier men and fantasize I’m having sex with them nor do I go out and find a man who will satisfy me.  Every time men go ‘window shopping’ then look at their real-life partner – gee what an absolute letdown that must be.  I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men and I will start thinking of other men when I’m having sex with my partner. So, to avoid that I choose not to look if I notice  someone sexy when I’m out. I look away and I think of my boyfriend deliberately after, to bring my focus back in to the man I love.What is so hard about doing that? It’s simply comes down to a choice.  From a man’s point of view, how unrealistic is it of me to expect the same level of fidelity and devotion?

Thank you,

Bel

Dear Bel,

I appreciate your long, thoughtful email outlining your feelings. Since it’s clear that you and I are working off two completely different definitions of infidelity, I hope you can appreciate my attempt to engage with your question. Unless I can bridge our gap, I’m afraid my reply will remain unsatisfying, since it challenges rather than validates your original assertion. Let’s start with a quote from you:

“I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.”

There are two premises in here that I’d like to challenge:

a) That it is okay for men to look at women but hurtful for women to look at men.

Maybe that’s what your boyfriend thinks, but I’ve never said that, nor have I implied that. Thus, your question essentially asks me to defend something I don’t believe — that there should be double standards for men and women. There should not.

Last month, I went to the Father/Daughter dance at my daughter’s elementary school. I couldn’t help but to objectively observe that there were a LOT of REALLY cute, well-dressed men at the event. My wife — who was selling tickets up front — wholeheartedly agreed.

If she had brought the same thing up first, should I have been upset? I don’t think so. My wife has eyes. It was notable how many hot guys were in attendance. We have been happily married for 10 years and we were going home together. Why would I get bent out of shape at that?

Now, you may think this isn’t a very telling example, but it is.

In a healthy relationship with two secure adults, instances like this don’t register. When my wife tells me a story of sleeping with some guy in France in her 30’s, it doesn’t register. When she tells me she got hit on by a younger man at a bachelorette party, it doesn’t register. I know there have been other men in the past. I know there are other men who are more visually appealing (taller, younger, fitter, etc) wherever we go.

But I’m the guy she married. I already won.

So why would I spend any time driving myself crazy because my wife still finds other men attractive and is flattered when they find her attractive?

b)   You call looking at someone else of the opposite sex “mentally unfaithful.”

Well, if that’s your working definition, it’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It also seems you’ve conflated a lot of things, which have to all be dealt with separately. Here’s a short list of different forms of behaviors that may trigger you and my brief reaction to each:

• Glancing at another person — no big deal
• Staring at another person — crude and insensitive, but not cheating
• Hitting on another person – never
• Imagining another person else while having sex — no big deal
• Getting off to the image of another person while having sex — no big deal
• Looking at sexy photos of another person — no big deal
• Masturbating at sexy videos of another person — no big deal, in moderation
• Taking action to meet another person in real life – never

I know I’m not the final arbiter of such things, but since this is my blog and at the top of the page it says “Understand Men. Find Love,” I’m going to suggest that many men see things like I do.

And if you bristle because your definitions are different than mine, that’s okay; my fear is that you’re going to undermine a great relationship with your boyfriend if you don’t come a little closer to my way of thinking.

He DOES love you. He IS devoted to you. He is not running off with a Kardashian or a porn star or a cute girl at the grocery store.

All of your feelings around this, Bel, are just that: feelings. They’re not facts. Nor do they outweigh your boyfriend’s opinions. If anything, they indicate a highly fearful worldview that is not based on most men’s realities — we can look at EVERYTHING, and it still means NOTHING. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t be more subtle or respectful, but based on your tone, it sounds like any minor transgression is somehow an attack on you and your partnership.

In your opinion, your boyfriend looking at photos is a “betrayal,” which means he thinks his own girlfriend is “not good enough,” which makes his love for you a “lie.”

In reality, NONE of this is true.

So when you ask “Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman?” you are imputing some serious value judgment on men.

First of all, he IS focused on you. You’re his girlfriend and the most important person in his life.

Next, you’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive, nor should he acknowledge the objective truth that other women are attractive.

You’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive.

In other words, you’re asking him to lie to you.

You said it yourself. You admitted you find other men sexy, which means it should be normal for him to find other women sexy.

The only difference is that you’ve taken the extraordinary step of looking away from sexy men to bring your focus back to the man you love and you expect that if he loved you, he’d do the same.

That’s wonderful and thoughtful, but don’t you think that’s a bit…extreme?

“If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men.”

Really? Do you lack such self-control that you can’t admire a cute guy on the street and not want to throw your entire relationship away to pursue sex with a stranger?

Funny, I see attractive women every day and it never occurs to me that I’d be happier with anyone other than my wife. Hmm…maybe there’s more to a relationship than just attraction.

Anyway, my dear Bel, I know you feel very deeply about this issue, but all I can do is point out that you can only change your behavior. You can’t change the behavior of your partner, nor an entire gender.

Which is why the most effective thing you can do is to believe your boyfriend when he says he loves you and try to get over your belief that “looks at women = infidelity.”

Right now, your insecurity is running the show. Here’s Exhibit A:

“I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.”

No one said you were ugly. No one is asking you to Photoshop yourself. No one is intentionally hurting your self-esteem. You’re throwing this at your boyfriend’s feet, but it’s ultimately YOU who decides how to feel about yourself.

If you’re insecure, every single perceived slight will cause a crippling blow to your ego and a crisis of confidence in your relationship.

If you’re secure, his glancing at women and looking at porn occasionally is a non-issue. Not an insult. Not an attack. Not a sign he’s not attracted to you. And certainly not cheating.

So what’s it gonna be, Bel?

Are you going to double down on making your devoted boyfriend of 3 years “wrong”?

Are you going to continue to doubt his character and make him feel guilty for being normal?

Are you going to continue to associate benign behavior with infidelity and a lack of devotion?

If so, that’s your prerogative, but you’re basically policing his thoughts and punishing him for a crime (infidelity) that he didn’t actually commit.

Believe me when I tell you that good men can be devoted and find other women pretty.

Believe me when I tell you that looking (not leering, not acting out with a real-life person) is not the equivalent of cheating.

Believe me when I tell you that this insecurity of yours will sabotage your relationship.

Once you let go of these damaging beliefs, you can finally relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Hold onto these beliefs and you know exactly how things are going to end.

Want to gain confidence, attract quality men, and create lasting love fast? Click here to fix your broken-man picker and learn more about Love U.

* This article was originally published here