How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex

 Despite your best efforts, it’s happened. You were deeply in love, but the relationship ended, You’re here in the “breakup recovery room,” feeling a bit shell-shocked. A breakup is a painful experience that everyone can identify with. It can be a potent cocktail of feelings: grief, anger, loss of self-worth, and difficulty in re-establishing your own identity.

Often your partner was also your best friend and family, the person to whom you’d go when upset. So it’s no wonder breakups can send you into a tailspin. Research has shown that the chemicals in your brain that are associated with pleasure and happiness plunge when you are in this difficult period. 

How do you regain your equilibrium?

During this time, you can begin to obsess about your former partner. You may revisit all the happy memories, all the things they did that you loved, how he made you feel in the best of moments – the past can seem much more attractive than the present.

These are more than just a few lingering feelings. After all, still feeling love for a person you may have loved deeply for years is not only normal; it’s a good sign that you are a deep and authentic human with a real heart!

Obsessive Thinking

But what about when you just can’t rid yourself of those obsessive thoughts, much less stop caring about being in that relationship, move forward, perhaps start dating again, or at least make new friends and emotional connections? 

You might even find yourself looking for ways to stay connected, sending phone and text messages, and even end up borderline-stalking them through friends or social media. You may be convinced that you can’t feel good without them, but I’m here to tell you that despite those painful feelings, time heals, and you have a bright future. 

Here are some tried and true techniques for breaking the obsessive thinking that can plague you.

Tips

Relationship experts, including those of us who’ve been through this multiple times, agree on a few tips to get you out of the mind-rut you’re stuck in.

1. Give up on closure

Sometimes a breakup will come on the heels of conversations about why it happened. Sometimes it won’t. You may be left feeling you have unresolved issues. You may feel you don’t know WHY your ex broke up with you. It might seem like if those questions were answered, or if you were able to just say one last thing, you’d be free from the never-ending tape playing in your head. Maybe, but more likely, it won’t. It’s one of those things we tell ourselves, often as the mind’s way of tricking us into having more contact with our ex. Sometimes it can even prolong your healing.

That’s why it’s wise to cut bait. If you know what he’s thinking, if you don’t know what he’s thinking, the result is the same. It’s possible in very rare instances that there might be something important you need to say to him, but if there is, make it one time, and one time only. Better yet, consult a professional counselor or relationship expert. A good trick is also to write a letter with all your thoughts, but never send it. Getting those thoughts out on paper or screen can often be as helpful as saying them to the person in question.

2. Cut all communication

All communication. Yes, all communication. I know you still want to be friends, but now is not the time. Someday, once you’ve healed, it may be possible, but you shouldn’t hold out the possibility of things changing. Cutting this cord is important for your sanity, especially if you’re struggling with hurt emotions and obsessive thoughts. The biggest problem with communication of any kind is that it will trigger memories and continue hopes for the future.

This will be an exercise in self-discipline. You may have mutual friends, and it may be tempting to communicate through them. Social media has made it possible for us to keep track of what’s going on with someone even if we’re no longer in their world. Resist. (we’ll give you some tools to help with that) In order to fully heal, you must sever this connection entirely.

3. Think realistically

It is in the nature of our minds for memory to sugarcoat things. If it didn’t, most women would certainly only give birth to one child, for starters. When you think of your ex, you probably linger on their most delightful qualities in the best of moments – a photo montage of positive memories going back to when you started dating. Images of holding hands on the beach, laughing with food on your faces, kissing in the doorway… You don’t spend nearly as much time recalling the angry texts, the ugly argument on vacation, and the broken promises.

Here’s another place where it might help to write things down. Listing the painful moments, which are typically plentiful in any authentic relationship, can help you to let go of the fantasy you may be entertaining about the past. If you can’t think of difficult moments, you might want to consider that this relationship never was deep enough for them to show you anything but their best side. In fact, they may be a person who moves on before they are revealed, warts and all.

Either way, a realistic assessment can help avoid holding on to something that possibly never even existed.

4. Give yourself time and space to feel all your feelings

For starters, it’s only natural that you should still feel love for your ex. It proves you’re human and healthy enough to have made a serious emotional investment and commitment to another person. Beating yourself up for that isn’t okay.

Likewise, it may be natural to have feelings of anger or hatred toward them. For a while, you may toggle back and forth between them, with grief a constant. Try not to get pulled into the vicious cycle of anger, regret, and helpless feelings. Again, be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion. These are all appropriate and part of the grieving process. 

Don’t censor yourself. Feel sad. Feel mad. Feel all the feels. Imagine them like a child who may be crying, having a temper tantrum, or being affectionate. Hold them with care and let them be.

It’s great that you loved someone. Love just isn’t always enough to keep a couple together. But you can use that love to hope for the best for them in the future. Think of it a little like this: Mazatlan was fantastic, and I was really sad to leave, but I can’t live there, for a variety of reasons, and I’m off on new adventures.

5. Distract yourself

This may seem obvious, or it may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but this is a perfect time to keep yourself so busy that you don’t have time to think of your ex! Initiate some new healthy habits: maybe join a gym – increasing your physical well-being with a healthy diet and exercise will help stabilize your mood.

Instead of writing that text, scanning Instagram, or driving past his house, focus on filling your time in such entertaining and wholesome ways that you’re not even tempted.

Start that book, put together a new business plan, and learn new skills. Let the emotional energy that used to go into your ex fuel you and propel you into discovering new talents you may not even have known you had.

And don’t forget about other supportive relationships. This may be the time to apologize to friends for neglecting them while you and your ex were hashing it out. But it’s certainly a time to lean on them, especially for their tendency to see your relationship and your ex with more perspective than you might have. They can also be great allies, often lightening your load with funny and uncensored comments about the shortcomings of your ex. This is a great time to really rely on their allegiance to you.

6. Practice Self-Care

While some of the things listed previously, like exercise, diet, self-compassion, etc., fall into this category, self-care is most important when we are swimming in emotions with shaky self-esteem.

Some people find ritual helpful: burning that sage, or soaking in a hot tub as you imagine the water removing toxins and restoring calm. Or, like the old song says, “I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair…”

At a deeper level, you may be extremely vulnerable, wondering whether you’re worthy of love or what it is about you that caused this rejection. Here’s where you need to use a new way to talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you have everything you need to be a wonderful partner and that, in turn, there are lots of wonderful people out there just waiting for an opportunity to shine in your life. The circumstances just weren’t right at this time.

If you feel like you need help with any old habits or unhealthy behaviors, self-care may look like professional counseling or dating and relationship coaching. Only you can make those changes, but you may need emotional support. This is part of self-care.

Getting back on the horse

When you are in the throes of all the emotions connected with a breakup, the last thing you want to do is to run out and find a new partner right away.

For starters, this kind of “rebound relationship” isn’t fair to another person. Studies show that these relationships last between a month and a year but rarely get out of the infatuation stage. The new person likely has every expectation that they’re entering into a good-faith relationship, not just shoring up or distracting someone from their ex.

Take time to go through the steps: feeling your feelings, practicing self-care, and re-establishing a relationship with yourself before embarking on something new.

Manifest your learned lessons

The great thing about the fact that most of us engage in multiple relationships is that they give us the opportunity to be better versions of ourselves. We can be very good at being on our own, but it is in relationships with others, especially in intimate relationships, that we are forced to grow in ways we otherwise might not.

In our periods of self-examination following a failed relationship, we can reassess what works and doesn’t work in our approach. And in our new partnership, we can test our gains and adjust them to the natural compromise that relationships demand.

Proceed slowly

It’s often said that a new relationship helps you move on from an old one. This can be true, but it shouldn’t be deployed as a technique.

While you shouldn’t rush into a new relationship, there will come a time when the anger, hurt, and other painful feelings are a shadow of what they were. Your healing process will lead you to know yourself better and make you a better partner than you’ve ever been.

See prospective partners for who they are

Now you can take what you’ve learned and apply it. Go slowly. When you meet someone, it can be easy to compare him to your ex in both favorable and unfavorable ways. Try to remember that this is a unique individual, not someone who exists in reflection of your former partner. Whatever shortcomings your ex may have had, or however much your feelings may have been injured, this new person had nothing to do with that, and you may need to remind yourself of this from time to time.

Making Peace and Moving On

Here’s what I know: It’s not over for you. 

This was a chapter in your love life, good or bad, but it was just a chapter. You will find love, good love. Brilliant companionship, great times. Even good sex. 

You will forgive your ex; you will forgive yourself. With luck, you may not have to go through this again, but if you do, you have new tools with which to do it.

* This article was originally published here

Dating Tips and Terms to Get You Through the Holidays - NECN

Dating Tips and Terms to Get You Through the Holidays  NECN

* This article was originally published here

How Long Does the Honeymoon Phase Last

The short answer? The honeymoon period lasts about six months to two years. Whether it’s a marriage or a new dating situation, there’s a honeymoon period. 

This honeymoon phase is characterized by bliss, extreme idealization of your partner, and the feeling that this will never end. While being in the honeymoon stage is a lot of fun, it can’t last. Although it can be recaptured intermittently – nor should it last, if you really want to achieve a deeper, more mature connection, one you can sustain for a lifetime.

Table of Contents

The 5 Stages of Dating
Attraction
The Crash of Reality
Commitment
Intimacy
Engagement
How to Prolong It
Show Gratitude
Communicate Your Love
Spend Time (A Little Time) Apart
Schedule Dates
Have More Sex and Let Yourself Be Sexier
Live Dangerously
Keep Calm and Carry On

The 5 Stages of Dating

Whether you’re just in the early bloom of a new relationship, or you’ve been with your partner for years, you will almost always experience the same arc of progress through five stages. 

Even platonic relationships go through changes like this. As long as you’re prepared for these inevitable changes and realize that they’re normal, you are armed with information that’s more likely to lead to a successful long-term commitment.

The five stages of a relationship are Attraction, Reality, Commitment, Intimacy, and Engagement. Let’s look at each of these:

1. Attraction

Our favorite, of course, is in the early stages at the very beginning, when the honeymoon phase begins as well. Your partner is fascinating, they are perfect, and even their quirks are perfect. Your heart is racing, your hands are sweaty, your stomach is full of butterflies. There’s a reason the term “lovesick” exists, and this is it.

At the same time, life is so much fun! You want them all the time, and you want to BE with them all the time. This is what researchers call “Passionate love” – characterized by the intense longing, high levels of desire, and magnetic sexual attraction of the first few months. You feel happy, euphoric, even – life is infinitely exciting.

It’s not just your imagination. Science confirms that your brain is getting flooded with feel-good chemicals during the honeymoon phase. Dopamine levels skyrocket, pumping you full of pleasurable sensations. Even when your good friends note that this just might be infatuation (which, of course, it is), you are convinced this is the love of a lifetime.

2. The Crash of Reality

Eventually, most couples begin to experience something different. You were both on your best behavior initially, and that’s slipping. How did I never notice how much he talks? Does she make that sound every time she drinks liquid? This person really can’t cook anything?

You’ve now entered the stage where the honeymoon phase ends and reality sets in, leaving many of those yummy honeymoon feelings behind. Again, biological hard-wiring is the main culprit. You’re programmed to crave variety. And contrary to popular belief, research shows us that women actually crave it more, and sooner. You’re more likely to have a decline in sexual interest as the novelty disappears. Scientists believe this is related to the prevention of inbreeding – as your partner becomes as familiar as a sibling or other relative, they become less sexually inspiring.

While this may seem like an enormous loss at first, it may not be such a bad thing. If you were as obsessive, distracted, and sexually active as you were in the early days of the honeymoon phase, you’d probably get nothing else done!

In the post-honeymoon phase, you may still love your partner profoundly, still feel lust for them, idolize them and be willing to die for them, but that’s not the same as maintaining long-term ecstatic passion.

Psychologists also note what is known as “hedonic habituation,” and it doesn’t just happen with people. At first, that new outfit, car, sound system, or even new place you’re living brings a lot of pleasure and excitement. But rather quickly, you accustom yourself to it, and it doesn’t bring the same zing it did.

While things tend to fade more quickly in your passions than people, it’s the same psychological process at play. And oddly, this habituation happens more with pleasurable experiences than with unpleasant ones.

This is the stage at which a lot of inexperienced partners may say, “Gee, I don’t have that feeling anymore. I must not be in love” It’s the second stage where many relationships fail. But if you can ride this stage out, you may be in luck.

3. Commitment

I talked about how dopamine rises in the honeymoon stage, giving you the relationship equivalent of “beer goggles”? Well, those levels fall, but interestingly, start to be replaced by oxytocin and vasopressin, the hormones that are associated with long-term attachments and comfort. This is where the rubber starts to meet the road.

True love isn’t about being blind to your partner’s flaws; it’s about seeing your partner realistically, recognizing their flaws, and still deciding that they’re the one for you. This is the phase in which you may start talking about shared dreams and goals and discussing plans for the future.

4. Intimacy

Once you’ve made someone else “the one,” true love begins. You are able to really open up to them and let your guard down. You’re not trying so hard to be perfect. You become vulnerable without holding back. You may be more privy to one another’s bodily functions or see each other ungroomed – physically or emotionally – more often.

Seeing someone’s character in a new light happens as you learn about their past and get a context for who they are. In this safe space, you are both able to work on things about yourselves and your relationship, knowing that your partner has your back, loves you unconditionally, and truly wants the best for you.

5. Engagement

This is the stage where you may finally make a pledge of lifelong commitment, formal or informal. You work to plan a happy and productive future with one another. 

You are truly a team, and everything that happens, good or bad, happens in that context. There’s not so much You and I, as there is “Us.” Whatever challenges come your way, personal, as a couple, or in the greater world, it’s something you are tackling in the strength of partnership.

How to Prolong It

You may be saying, “But I really love the heady, sexy feelings of infatuation! How can I make them last?”

The good news, is that you can, up to a point. There is going to be something of a trade-off; after all, a lot of the erotic impulse has to do with the fear and anxiety connected with someone new. But what you have to remember is that while you may not have the churning gut of infatuation, you now have a safe partner with whom to explore all kinds of feelings and activities.

You can’t have 100% intensity 24/7 forever. But you can revisit it regularly if you put just a bit of work in – and it’s fun work! If you want to bump up the volume, here are some tips:

Show Gratitude

When you’ve been with someone a while, it’s easy to take them for granted. You may already know that a gratitude practice, where you focus on the things in your life for which you’re grateful, helps you to be happier and more positive. But you may not think about how that could be directed specifically at your relationship.

Take time each day to think about the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship, and let yourself feel grateful. Take it another step further, and tell your partner something positive about them each day.

Communicate Your Love

This doesn’t necessarily mean saying “I love you” all the time, although it’s certainly nice to hear once in a while. But say it in other ways. Flowers on a Wednesday, fixing that squeaky hinge, fixing their favorite dinner, coupled with “I just really appreciate you” can flood your partner, and even more surprisingly, YOU, with feelings of love. It works both ways!

Tell them something you find attractive about them, especially if it isn’t something they’ve heard a lot. Something unique to them, especially something only you might recognize, can generate surprise and the feeling of having been seen, a powerful aphrodisiac.

Expressing your love in a unique way can rekindle romance on both sides as well. Have you ever written an old-fashioned love letter? A poem or song? Drawn a picture of your partner? Something made or created by you, just for them can focus and intensify your feelings, and certainly theirs.

Spend Time (A Little Time) Apart

It’s a cliche, but it can be true: Absence can make the heart grow fonder, especially when each of you is doing something that helps you grow, feeds your (other) passions, or provides a means of self-expression.

You tend to admire your partner when they are doing something that demonstrates their competence or expertise, but also when they have the courage to try new things and improve themselves.

The added bonus is that you both get to have time to miss one another and since memory tends to be kind, to reflect on the things you love about one another.

Schedule Dates

Just because you’re together doesn’t mean you can’t keep dating. Most long-term couples recognize the importance of date nights.

If, like most of us, you’re busy and your time together becomes more about recuperating from the rest of life, it’s especially important to set aside time for just the two of you. Making it a special occasion adds another layer. Now you’re associating one another with a special, festive, dedicated time. If it gives you a chance to primp and dress up a little, even better. Your partner knows it’s for them, and that’s exciting too.

Sometimes your dates can even revisit your shared vision for the future – less formal than a recommitment ceremony, but a reminder to yourselves and each other that you’re in it to win it.

Have More Sex and Let Yourself Be Sexier

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but a good sex life is a great glue. We can get into ruts with our fatigue at the end of a long workday, nighttime grooming rituals, and attention to our phones.

But sex keeps you connected in many ways, especially if you’re really giving to your partner and present in the experience.

Even if you don’t necessarily start out feeling like it’s what you want to do, this is one place where fake it till you make it definitely works. If you decide to be a little sexy, there’s usually a big pay off. Just do it, you’ll be glad you did. And so will your romantic partner.

Live Dangerously

No one is suggesting that you have to take up skydiving, but research shows that shared experiences strengthen your bond with your partner. If those experiences have a little bit of risk, they’re even more powerful. For some people, that might mean singing karaoke or getting on the dance floor, for others, it’s a bike ride or hike in the mountains.

Even going to a restaurant that’s a little fancier than you’re used to can take you out of your comfort zone – together, which is the important thing. Plan surprises. Be unpredictable occasionally. When you experience something novel, you pay attention and become more engaged, just as you were in the honeymoon phase.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Remember, even the best of romantic relationships have their ups and downs. Don’t think that a rut means the end of exciting times, or that you’ll never experience the bliss of the honeymoon phase again. Getting pessimistic about the future of the relationship won’t help. Just ride it out and see how you can contribute to an infusion of positivity and romance.

Joni Mitchell recently quoted an Esquire article, “if you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one”. She noted, “What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over. …a longtime mate knows all that old material….You learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”

Relationships change shape over time, get rebuilt, and evolve. While the first heated moments of the beginning honeymoon phase are of a fleeting nature, a long-term relationship, a truly lasting relationship, will revisit that exciting time again and again. It’s not the end of the honeymoon, it’s the beginning of true love.

* This article was originally published here

Top 10 Traits Men In Their 40s Want In A Woman

The question “What do women want?!?”, followed by its glib response, “Everything!” has been repeated forever. But what about MEN? What do they really want?

The standard trope is that they want young, pretty women and not much more.

For a couple of decades now, it’s literally been my job to talk with women and men about their respective perspectives as it relates to dating. I can assure you that while men may be visual, most men, especially those a little older and worth having, want something more.

By the time men are in their 40’s, they’ve experienced the world, a few relationships, and a ton of life experience.

Young Men Grow Up

I’m not going to pretend that young men aren’t looking for someone attractive, with a certain kind of body, a killer smile, and a strong interest in the physical. We’d all like that, right? But as time goes by, guys start to realize that there’s more to life than easily accessible sex and someone to show off to friends for a few weeks.

They start to realize that they actually have to spend time with a partner. They begin to get a perspective on the longer-term picture. They start thinking about establishing a real family, having kids with someone, and sharing a life over the longer term.

This isn’t to say that they don’t still want someone who is attractive, takes good care of themselves, and is fit. It’s just that other characteristics take on greater importance.

No-Drama zone

If there’s one thing I’ve heard over and over when talking to men about what they want, it’s that they want someone who is happy and healthy. They specifically say they don’t want drama.

While we sometimes think men have it easier, in truth, they have fewer opportunities to experience and express emotions. They often feel the burden of responsibility in a culture where men are still seen as providers. They may feel more pressure to stay at a job that is stressful or unpleasant to be viewed as dependable.

They don’t want their relationship to feel like another job. They don’t want to be taxed with managing someone else’s volatile emotions, especially when they’re out of proportion to a given situation. They don’t want to be someone’s therapist or punching bag. They don’t want to have to fish you out of the pool at an elegant party or intervene between you and their family at Thanksgiving dinner.

So a positive attitude, a healthy emotional landscape, sound mental health, and a fairly easy-going demeanor are very attractive, especially to any man who’s experienced a high-maintenance partner. Work out your problems in therapy, meditate, exercise – do what you need to do to bring emotional intelligence and self-awareness to the table.

Get Real

Men often have less practice or interest in intuiting what’s beneath the surface with someone. They may be more trusting that what they see is what they’re getting. Honesty and authenticity are hugely important to them. Sincerity can be a superpower. Being able to trust you means that they can open up and be more emotionally vulnerable…eventually.

Men in their 40s have usually experienced a fair amount of disappointment and heartbreak in love. They’re at the age where they want to feel like they’re making a sound investment in the future with someone who means what she says and says what she means. Someone they can count on to be relatively consistent. Someone with the confidence and courage to present who they really are rather than some big fake personality that changes hour to hour.

The refreshing thing about this is that if you’re authentic and he’s authentic and you find you’re not compatible, you can amicably move on quite quickly. If he’s struggling to figure out who/what is the real you, it can take a long, agonizing time to realize you’re not for one another. A woman who is transparent and courageously vulnerable can inspire a man to truly commit.

Dependence vs Independence

Men love to feel useful.

They don’t like to feel like suckers.

By the time a man is 40, he’s probably experienced at least one younger woman whose financial plan is a man. Even the wealthiest man can feel taken advantage of, and there’s a big distinction between feeling useful and feeling used.

While asking for a little help with a DIY project might appeal to their male ego, an older man appreciates a woman who is independent enough to take care of herself. In today’s economy, many men are not so fortunate as to be able to support someone else. It adds a huge layer of stress to feel completely responsible for another adult. More often, men are looking for someone to be more of an equal partner in a long-term relationship.

They can also really appreciate a woman’s nurturing qualities. This isn’t just about caring for him when he’s sick or in the years ahead, although there’s certainly a subconscious draw there. An independent but nurturing woman can keep him from making mistakes, help him to stay healthy, and fill in with areas that are his weak points.

Having your own life, friends and interests gives him permission to do the same thing rather than worrying about keeping the things he loves on hold while he tries to entertain you. Having two adult lives, learning, growing and coming together to share is more rewarding than being completely insular.

Physical chemistry and energy

Middle-aged men in their 40s and beyond have not given up on sex, I can assure you. With luck, they’ve learned that sex goes beyond their own erection. They’ve picked up a few things and are aware that women have their own unique responsiveness. Providing pleasure may be a keen source of excitement for them.

But they also want a partner who is worthy of that. Whether you’re 23 or 63, joyfully engaging in sexual activity, having a sensual nature, and being confident enough to exude a sexy, feminine vibe is enormously appealing.

You’re more likely to have a few tricks up your own sleeve than a young woman does, and you know your own body much more than you did. An experienced man knows that he’s going to have a potentially sensuous, erotically deliberate, sexy encounter with someone who realizes that sex isn’t just a performance and really commits to mutual pleasure.

Beyond sex, having a certain zest for life can be truly inspiring to an older man. They’ve often had to play the leader. If you bring a joie de vivre and can-do attitude to everything, he’ll find himself feeling more youthful and energetic around you.

An Affectionate Nature

We sometimes forget that while men treasure sex both on its own terms and as an indication of intimacy, they really respond well to simple affection. There’s a difference between that and more goal-oriented physicality. Knowing that it was your idea to act in an affectionate way is a big boost.

Keeping “in touch” with affectionate gestures makes most men feel loved and cared for. A physical connection makes a man feel safe with you. When there’s a shared sense of intimacy, it informs everything from the bedroom to the outside world. Touching his arm or neck, stroking his hair or cheek – these are not overtly sexual, but keep his love light and desire on high.

When you can’t be right there, a sweet text, sexy voice mail, or romantic gesture can still show that you love him and are truly interested in his well-being.

Loyalty and Fidelity

By the time a man is 40, he’s spent a great deal of his life feeling like he’s in competition with other men for everything. He also may have been cheated on by girlfriends in the past – a devastating blow to his trust and self-confidence. He really wants to know that he is the only guy for you. Loyalty is an important quality most men, especially middle-aged men, are seeking. His need for it occurs at an almost primal level. There is no betrayal for him quite as large as that of you being unfaithful to him.

Besides sexual fidelity, a man wants to know you value him. He wants to feel like you have his back and will support him privately and publicly. That you won’t shame him in front of family or friends. That you’ll stick up for him. He expects this from his male friends, and he expects it from you.

The kinds of games that are more typical of young women won’t fly with a more mature man. Act up and make him jealous to test his love? Not a good idea, and one that can easily backfire.

He wants to know he can trust you, and he wants to know you trust him. Keeping good boundaries means not snooping on his phone, computer, or social media. He knows by now that if he’s an innocent man, he can’t spend his entire life walking on eggshells under the presumption of guilt.

Respect, praise, prioritize

Because men have been socially conditioned to take the lead, they often find themselves needing the courage to put themselves in a vulnerable position. Even a middle aged man – or older – may not be as confident as he appears. Feeling like he’s respected is important to him. The most modern guy is often wired to feel like he should protect and provide. A little praise can go a very long way to bolstering his confidence and self-esteem.

Find the things he’s good at. Let him know you admire his driving, his commitment to exercise, the way he does sums in his head. Let your praise outweigh your criticisms, but when you have a correction to make, make it with the respect of a peer. Show that you have confidence in his ability to make good decisions. Older men aren’t looking for a “yes-man” woman who is completely deferential. Having a mind of your own makes your admiration for him that much more valuable. You don’t have to share all his passions, but even a little interest in what he likes makes him know he has a partner.

Coupled with giving them the respect they’ve earned by living life for a few years, men in their 40s also seek someone who is interested in making them a priority. While it’s important to have your own life, demonstrating to him that he is number one for you makes him feel valued. Whether it’s making a big deal about his birthday, checking with him before making plans, knowing the certain way he likes his coffee, or carving out special time to be together, actively let him know how important he is to your life.

Men, especially older men, love to be a hero. A confident, healthy woman, no matter how independent, knows that letting a man fulfill this emotional destiny is huge. It takes nothing away from you to ask for a little help now and then. To celebrate his successes. To let him know he’s the reason you’re as happy as you are. It’s fun to find and focus on his positives.

Full Partnership

While I’ve alluded to this previously, the dance between dependence, independence, and interdependence is never as difficult as it is within a romantic relationship. It’s a Goldilocks situation of finding the right amount of each. In the age range we’re discussing, a history of other relationships has probably played out with various degrees of wrong.

A man in middle age wants and deserves respect. He also needs someone who can take care of themselves. He needs someone who will call him out on mistakes but with love and understanding. He needs time to himself and to be made a priority. While these things may seem contradictory, they really fall under the heading of full partnership. Navigating another person’s feelings and needs is never easy, but when you focus on “us”, and what’s best for you as a couple, you’re headed in the right direction.

A younger woman may lack the self-awareness or understanding about all the things that make a relationship strong and ensure its future. Men in their 40s are looking to your life experience. You’re not going to just rest on the laurels of your looks. That makes you much more valuable to an older man, who knows that looks fade while substance takes you forward.

He wants equitability. He wants you to love him and be attracted to him just as much as he loves and is attracted to you. He wants give and take on both sides.

The list

So to summarize, here are key things men in their 40s are looking for in a woman:

1. Honesty
2. Loyalty
3. Sanity
4. Affection
5. Authenticity
6. Physicality
7. Independence
8. Dependability
9. Respect
10. Mutual attraction

The Perspective of Age

The bad news is that older men have had their fair share of life experience: the good, the bad, and the ugly. In the best of circumstances, they’ve used that to develop a clearer idea of what they really want. Instead of a midlife crisis involving a convertible and a younger woman, they may be taking a course in relationships, surfing the hack spirit articles or seeing a relationship coach.

They still want to have fun, but it’s taken a back seat to finding the kind of person they want to spend their life with. While a great body is still going to catch their eye, they know that it’s not worth the stress to disregard more important things. Their general well being matters now. Finding someone within their own age range and focusing on the upcoming years ahead helps older men find someone with whom they can share their world.

So bring your best authentic self. Be a good person with good values who cares about your partner. The magic of this is that you’ll probably find someone who is the same way.

* This article was originally published here

What To Expect After 6 Weeks Of Dating — Where You Should Be

Key Takeaways:

• Learn what important things to look for after 6 weeks of dating.
• Identify red flags early in the relationship and when to take them seriously.
• Know where you stand in their life, and when to cut it off completely.

INDEX

The Initial Rush

Practical Realities

On Your Way to Becoming Exclusive

Glamour vs. Transparency

Red Flags Waving

Don’t Panic – It’s Organic

ARE YOU READY FOR LASTING LOVE?

The Initial Rush

We all love those first, heady weeks of dating someone new. You’re likely to see your new person in the brightest, shiniest, most optimistic light. The things they say are fresh and entertaining, the (possible) sex is novel and exciting, and all the ways in which you’re compatible seem to be lit up in neon – this could really be the one!

Everyone has her own pace, of course. While the infatuation stage often lasts much longer than six weeks, there are certain things that most people find changing around that point. It may be too soon to know whether this is a forever romance, but probably not too soon to see if you’re ready – and they’re ready – to take dating someone to the next level.

It’s also an excellent time to take stock of any potential red flags. The more serious a relationship gets, the more difficult it becomes to remain objective. Good judgment can take a back seat to build emotional attachment as you become enmeshed and invested.

Practical Realities

By the 6-week point, you probably have nearly as much information as you need. In all likelihood, you’ve had 10 dates with one another. You’ve probably been to a few restaurants. You may have met each other’s friends. You’ve quite possibly slept together, although it’s not recommended before you determine your relationship status.

You may have seen some red flags as well. You may have seen him be testy with the waitstaff. You may have heard him snore. You may have decided you really like, or hate, his friends.

You should be having real talks about real things by now. It’s normal to want him to communicate that he’s interested in you, whether by the way he listens to your words, his desire to spend increasing time with you, or his articulation of a real commitment.

It’s still the beginning of a relationship, but it’s not too early to have some hope about it becoming deeper and more committed.

On Your Way to Becoming Exclusive

Studies seem to indicate that the average time to become exclusive with someone you’re dating is around 3 months, but the truth is that you should already become boyfriend/girlfriend within the first two months. Any longer than that indicates one or both people who are deeply ambivalent about commitment to each other.

By the 6-week point, you can expect to know a fair amount about his communication style. Does he text, call, or message you when you’re not together? Can he keep a conversation going? Does he check in with you about events you’ve talked about (the raise you were expecting at work, your sister’s baby shower, the presentation you were going to give)? Does he ask you about future plans? This is a good indication of how invested in you, your life, and your relationship together he might be. It’s also a good time to figure out how much contact and communication you need to feel good, and whether his style fits yours.

Are your time commitments starting to get in sync? People who are interested in being together carve out time for one another. If one of you keeps suggesting times for dates, and the other is always busy, this isn’t a strong sign for a future together. One-way prioritization leaves you pining for more, and you may recognize at this point that you may never have the level of communication you need.

At six weeks, you are still getting to know each other, and both of you should be putting your best efforts in. It’s certainly way too soon to be taking one another for granted. He wants to know more about you, what you feel about things, what makes you happy, and the same is true for you with him. Although you may not yet have had sex, if you have, you’ll have a sense of physical compatibility. You should have a certain comfort level with each other’s sexuality and body, even if that means accepting a decision not to be sexual yet.

Shared experiences help to cement relationships. At this point, you should be one another’s go-to for any plus-one events. Being invited is another indicator that he wants to spend time with you and maybe even establish you two as an official couple with friends and family.

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Glamour vs. Transparency

In those first exciting but scary weeks, you both want to present your best selves. But by now, the scales begin to tip in favor of honesty. Instead of hiding your real life beneath a veneer of marketing, both of you will start to be more comfortable with the “warts and all” approach.

He may see you without makeup, and you find out he lives in sweats whenever he’s not at work. You reveal your secret love for romance novels while he lets you know that Thursdays are for video games. Accepting one another for who you really are is an important step in an authentic long-term relationship. Being able to tell the truth about yourself is key to future intimacy. If either of you is still unwilling to share your less attractive qualities, or is judgmental about anything less than perfection, it could be time to examine why.

Red Flags Waving

In every relationship I’ve ever been in, the red flags were visible six weeks in. I just sometimes chose to ignore them. This is the perfect time to notice them and take them seriously. You’re not so completely invested that it’s hard to back out, and you’re far enough along that the rosy glow that’s blinded you may have dimmed just slightly.

Is he overly possessive, expressing jealousy when you want to see friends or do something without him? Is he always busy unless it’s on his terms? Some of the most toxic personalities can “love bomb” you, making you think you’re the most important thing in the world, but this may have started to wear off once he thinks he has you on the hook.

How do the two of you handle conflict and stress together? Do you have compatible styles in these situations? If you have a slight disagreement, does it escalate quickly, or have you both developed healthy coping strategies for conflict?

Are your overall values and goals aligned? Whether it’s a future with or without children, a deep investment in religion, or the desire to live abroad, this is a good time to test the waters on things that are really important to you. If he doesn’t want to talk about anything serious or future-oriented, that can be a good indication that you are not currently on the same page.

Does it feel one-sided in either direction? Mutual attraction and mutual respect are the cornerstones of a strong future.

Don’t Panic – It’s Organic

Although six weeks is a while, it’s not a long time in the grand scheme of things. So if you’re not exclusive yet, it may not be the end of things. Relationships have an organic way of developing, and no two people have the same timeline.

At the same time, if you’ve gone six weeks and you still haven’t taken down your profiles or called each other boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s close to the time for you to have “the conversation.” If he’s still unsure, you may want to give it a few more weeks, but if he’s completely dismissive, well you have your answer, and not too much time invested. Be sure to listen carefully – believe the negatives. Guys who want to be your boyfriend try to claim that status quickly. Guys who don’t will create an endless array of excuses about why they’re not ready.

It’s good to take them at their word if they say they don’t want anything more than what you’re currently doing. At that point, it’s up to you to decide whether you like how things are and are okay with them staying this way, or whether it’s time to move on amicably.

Hint: if you don’t know where you stand with him after 6-8 weeks and all you get are texts and one date a week, that’s probably all he wants from you. Better to cut bait and find a man who wants to integrate you into his life, rather than relegating yourself to be the once-a-week hookup.

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* This article was originally published here

How Long Should You Date Before Making It Official?

You meet a new guy, and he’s everything you hope he could be. You’re anxiously anticipating every text and phone call or doing silly things like writing your initials together to see how they’d look on the wedding glasses. You know you’re supposed to play it cool, but cool is the last thing you feel.

OR: He’s giving hints, but you don’t feel like you know him well enough yet to make a commitment. You might feel a little guilty about ignoring his bids for a declaration of love and devotion, but you’re just not there yet.

For most people, this is challenging territory. Like hitting on a 17 at the blackjack table, there’s an inherent risk either way. If you like a guy, you probably don’t want him to be dating other people. Maybe you are worried he’ll move on if he doesn’t get an enthusiastic response from you. On the other hand, none of us wants to be classified as “needy.” We may also agonize that if we rush things, we’ll scare him off. Where’s the sweet spot for a confident, actualized grownup?

Key Takeaways:

• Understand what being “official” in a relationship really means.
• Discover how long you should wait before making a commitment.
• Know when to cut loose any man who hasn’t asked to be your boyfriend.

INDEX

The Love Haze Phase

Timing Is Everything?

Define “Official”

To Name It Is To Claim It

How To Know You’re Ready

How To Know if He’s Ready

Tips When You Don’t Trust Your Feelings

When to Wait

The Best Policy

ARE YOU READY FOR LASTING LOVE?

The Love Haze Phase

For starters, let’s be clear: most people at the beginning of a new romance are just a little bit crazy. The potent cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine pack a powerful punch. These “love hormones” pump in a heightened libido, a longing to be close, and an overall feel-good energy that ramps up whenever you think of your new prospect. These chemicals are literally changing your brain to make connections with him. Interestingly, oxytocin surges in men can increase their anxiety and aggression, so he may have a slightly different reaction to this cocktail than you do.

This honeymoon phase can last 6 months or longer – sometimes up to 18 months. If you have a history of a long string of short-term relationships, it can be because you expect the heady euphoria of those early days to continue. You may think that’s what love really looks like. Then when those first feelings start to change as you enter the new phase of a relationship, you can think that you’re no longer in love.

But if you’re high on hormones, does that mean you should wait to make any declarations? How long is too long to date without commitment?

I would love to give you a hard and fast rule about this, but it doesn’t exist. Every person, especially every combination of two people, results in a different chemical reaction. But there are a few guidelines that may help you make a more informed and rational decision.

Timing Is Everything?

In scouring the research and polling the masses, I’ve found that most people seem to agree that somewhere between 1 and 2 months is a socially acceptable time frame in which to declare that you’re officially in a relationship. It’s not about the number of months, per se, but rather, about how many dates you’ve gone on, and how he’s followed up afterward. If he’s engaging in boyfriend behavior – calling every day, seeing you multiple times a week, taking down his profile, talking about a future, and you feel like he wants the same kind of relationship you do in the long run, you can absolutely focus on him.

Contrary to what many say – that it may take 3-6 months until you’re a couple – you should absolutely cut loose any man who hasn’t asked to be your boyfriend in three months. That ambivalence is a bad sign for a partner, and if he’s too busy or unsure if he wants to be with you in that time, you’re better off finding a more enthusiastic partner who’s on the same page.

By the 2-month mark, you’ve been in a number of different situations together. You’ve probably seen how he deals with the waitstaff in a restaurant, how he handles shared expenses, and how he communicates. You may even have had your first argument.

You’ve also seen whether or not he shows up. Is he indicating that he wants to spend time with you? If he’s lost interest, chances are that he’s not pursuing more time together. It seems basic, but when you’re in the love haze, you can ignore what might otherwise seem to be easily readable signs.

FIND LOVE NOW!

Define “Official”

The other piece of this is what we mean by “official”. For some people, it simply means having “the conversation” about defining the relationship. For others, it may mean an open declaration – to one another, to friends, family, etc. It’s often said that to have a reasonable discussion, you must define your terms and make sure your man is using the same definition.

Now, you may not want to be in a committed relationship that’s exclusive. You may not want to have a long-term relationship. That’s perfectly fine, especially if you’re recently out of a relationship and are focused on having fun and being single. But eventually, it’s wise for both of you to have a discussion about where, exactly, it is that you are and what you want.

Dating can be fun. You may decide that you are Friends With Benefits. You may decide that you are romantic partners but still want to see other people. You may agree to wait on a sexual relationship but be exclusive with one another. It’s the process that’s important, and how you handle the differences between your current assessment and goals.

To Name It Is To Claim It

There are very few of us who are evolved enough to think this kind of conversation is fun. For most of us, it’s a little anxiety-provoking.

But if you are unable to have the discussion, you may want to rethink whether you’re ready for a long-term relationship. One of the hallmarks of a mature, healthy relationship is the ability to broach difficult topics, engage in open and honest communication, and express who you are and what you need. Real life demands courage.

Too often, you casually date for a while, wallow in anxiety about what he’s feeling and either wait too long to say anything or throw caution to the wind and bring up marriage and kids before you’ve gotten the proper signals. While he may want to get married, surprising him with that idea can backfire.

When you have an adult-to-adult conversation with the man you’re dating, you are treating him and yourself with respect. You are assuming he is mature enough to handle the information you’re sharing. You’re not protecting him from the truth. This means that if it’s meant to be, you’re off to the races. If it’s not, isn’t it better to know now, cut ties, and move on to someone who is in sync with what you need? If all you both want is a casual relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. The only huge mistake you can make is in assuming something about the other person that isn’t true.

Outlining the parameters of your relationship and where you want it to go is a positive step toward a committed relationship. And checking in from time to time to see if you still want the same things is a healthy part of an organic, living, breathing partnership.

LEARN TO ATTRACT HIGH-QUALITY MEN

How To Know You’re Ready

A recent scientific study examined the timing of the right moment to be seriously involved with someone in a real relationship. They looked at the three primary factors -readiness, commitment, and stability – to determine relationship success. Readiness is just what it sounds like: that you’re ready to have a serious relationship. Interestingly, people who were very ready were more likely to be forthcoming with self-disclosure and less likely to neglect or exit early from a relationship, BUT, they were also more likely to move on more quickly rather than waiting for things to improve. (Thus, the recommendation is to step up or cut bait in less than two months.)

They also determined that people use “perceived partner commitment” to promote closer connection or protect themselves when it looks like their partner isn’t interested in long-term commitment. The problem there is that when you’re guessing at your partner’s state of mind, a lot can go awry.

Here are some questions you may need to ask yourself:

1) Have you processed previous relationships? In other words, are you over your ex or rebounding? Have you resolved any traumas from old relationships?

2) Are you ready to be honest, transparent, vulnerable, and clear?

3) Are you ready for this to be your last relationship, or do you want to still experience other guys?

4) Are you ready to be part of a partnership team, emphasizing “us” over “me and you”?

5) Are you willing to put in the work that the inevitable challenges and reinvestment of energy need to sustain a long-term relationship?

6) Do you truly believe that a serious long-term relationship is possible?

If the answers are yes, then you’re probably ready to commit to another person.

How To Know if He’s Ready

While he may not be completely forthcoming about his feelings – he IS a guy, after all – there are some pretty obvious indicators that he’s comfortable with moving forward.

1) He sees your positive qualities – he may also see some of your negative qualities by now, but he is more focused on the good things. He may even find some of your most annoying characteristics charming.

2) He uses “we” – he is already seeing himself as part of a couple when he speaks to others about his weekend, he says, “we went to the farmer’s market” or “we stayed in,” rather than using “I” sentences.

3) He’s trying to do things you like and meet your needs – When a man likes you, he’s trying to make you happy and be the man you want him to be, even if it means some sacrificing of his old behaviors. He’s also making a real effort to find out who you are and what you want.

4) He isn’t still pursuing others – Sure, everyone may do a double-take on that cutie-pie or hot bod, but he’s not seeking to make contact with them. While he may just have been too busy or lazy to delete his dating apps, he may also have done so already.

5) He’s pursuing quality time with you. He may be proposing future events together or making holiday plans, or he may just be indicating that spending time with you is a high priority for him. If he’s busy all the time and you’re initiating all the dates, that’s a big red flag.

Tips When You Don’t Trust Your Feelings

Sometimes you think you’re casually dating, and a few months in, you start to have thoughts about a committed, loving relationship. You may not necessarily trust yourself, though, given the information you now have about the course of infatuation. A good litmus test is to introduce him to your friends. They’re not blinded by rose-colored glasses or hormones. Your friends can often see that he’s treating you a certain way, looking at you a certain way, even when you’re a mess of anxious reactivity. I’m not saying you should let other people decide your future, but they can have more objective input. So make those double date nights work for you!

In terms of working your way toward that DTR (Defining the Relationship) conversation, there are also a couple of tricks:

1) Be honest about being nervous. Whether it’s public speaking or difficult relationship talks, I’ve always relied on the trick of telling the truth. When you say you’re a little nervous, it has the magic effect of relaxing you. Give him a heads-up that the conversation is not necessarily an easy one for you to have, but that you value him enough to have it anyway.

2) Don’t say, “we need to talk” though. Somehow this phrase has become code for something unpleasant, especially for men.

3) Don’t do it when you’re angry. Maybe you’ve felt slighted about some perceived neglect. Maybe you’re impatient that he hasn’t made any declarations. This isn’t the time to have the conversation. Go home, take a deep breath, and maybe do a meditation. Coming from a place of calm equanimity is going to work better for you in every possible way. He won’t feel the tension at an intuitive level, and you’ll be positioned for less reactivity with his response.

4) Be open to all responses. The idea here is to gather information that will move the relationship forward. If he says he’s not going to be ready for a committed relationship for another five years, that’s information that’s useful. If he surprises you and says he wants to get married, that doesn’t mean that you have to say YES (or NO). Your job here is to talk about what you want, and to hear what he’s saying, preferably without the filter of what you’d like to hear. Most men are less accustomed to having these conversations, but they can be surprisingly straightforward when called upon.

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When to Wait

Relationships are often about timing. Often one of you wants to take it to the next level, while the other one just isn’t ready for a real relationship. Many women will find a partner who is currently not willing to move the relationship forward, and they’ll decide to stick around because they’re certain he’ll change his mind.

While it’s normal for some people to need more time than others, there are pros and cons to waiting. On the plus side, waiting lets him see you’re invested in him. It shows that you care about his needs and that you think he’s worth waiting for. You can use this time to connect more deeply. Some men worry that sexist stereotypes are true – that you’re more flighty and emotional – and they’re waiting to make sure you’re sincere and not just impulsive.

On the other hand, waiting for someone who doesn’t want a relationship at all can be heartbreaking, not to mention a waste of valuable time. If you are the one making a commitment, it can make you unavailable to other guys. It puts you in the romantic limbo of being a single woman in most respects, but with fewer options to be a happily married gal.

If you feel like moving on would be a serious loss and that he just needs a bit more time, give yourself, and him, a time frame in which to decide. You may be a person who is comfortable with ambiguity. Just keep in mind that a man who wants to be your boyfriend will claim that status by his own volition. If he hasn’t pushed to commit in 2-3 months, he’s probably not going to.

The Best Policy

As a long-time dating coach, and as any relationship coach can tell you, here is the best possible relationship advice I can give you: Honesty is everything. First, being honest with yourself about what you want and need. The more you normalize a situation where you’re not content, the more you are sacrificing little pieces of yourself unnecessarily. Healthy adults are able to discern their own needs and express them to others in a calm, matter-of-fact way.

Whether you stay together or not, when you are armed with the truth, you know that you’ve given it your best shot. Only you know what a reasonable amount of time is to declare yourself as part of a couple. With luck, he feels the same way and is excited to discuss future plans. Even if he isn’t ready to commit, he can at least be forthcoming enough to let you know if he thinks he will be in time, or whether he should let you go to pursue another relationship.

Life is too short to stay where you’re not happy.

It’s also too short to wallow in anxiety second-guessing yourself. Rip the band-aid off and have the talk.

The right time to make it official is when you’re both ready and excited about commitment and the possibility of a future. If that’s in place, congratulations, it’s official!

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* This article was originally published here