My wife is struggling right now.
I don’t say that to gain your sympathy. I say that because it’s true. The side effects of cancer and chemo have left her feeling tired and achy all the time. The only sounds I hear all day are my wife gasping for breath going upstairs and saying “ow” at random times.
Since I can’t help her heal faster, I try to make her life easier. I pay all the bills. I’ve taken on more carpooling, more cooking, more cleaning. Whatever she wants, I do, no questions asked. That’s the job description and I take it seriously.
At some point, my wife will be better again and we will return to normal. Or maybe not. You never know. But vowing to love someone, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part, means something. I love my wife like I love my kids. Unconditionally.
That love gives me meaning and purpose beyond the pleasures of daily life.
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On Saturday, a close friend came to my house for a leisurely afternoon.
She’s in her mid-50’s and objectively an amazing catch. Smart. Beautiful. Successful. She got divorced twenty years ago and raised two young men by herself.
Now she’s in a 4-year long-distance relationship. She sees him on the weekends.
She loves her freedom. She loves her independence. She doesn’t want a greater commitment. She wants exactly what she has.
When I asked her about her stance on a more integrated partnership, she told me that while she believes in marriage for some people, she doesn’t believe in it for her.
Which is perfectly fair. Whatever floats her boat. The issue I have is not with any person who values autonomy. The issue I have is with societal messaging around this topic.
“Is marriage dead? Is it the last vestige of the patriarchy?”
It’s as if millions of happily married people don’t even exist. I asked my friend why she would limit the heights of her love to weekends. Here’s what she said.
“People aren’t meant to be with one person forever.”
Biologically, this is true. We live longer than we used to. We are all attracted to other people. Then again, people override their biology all the time.
The same way that democracy – however flawed – is the best political system, and capitalism – however flawed – is the best economic system, long-term monogamy remains the best relationship model – provided you choose a good partner.
Being single is hard. Dating is hard. Polyamory – don’t get me started. Which is why if you find one person with whom you want to share your feelings, your expenses, your bed, your travel, your joys and your sorrows, you win.
Do you need a man if you’re financially independent? No, you do not.
Would you like to have one who adds value instead of subtracting it? Most women would.
They just don’t believe they can find it because of their previous experience.
“You don’t need a piece of paper to have a committed relationship.”
It’s true. You don’t. And if you’re part of a couple that’s been together for twenty years without the piece of paper and are functionally married, you can ignore this article.
But, apart from the legal benefits, I don’t think marriage is just a piece of paper. It’s a commitment to the commitment. It’s the declaration that you accept someone in full and you’re not going anywhere.
It’s not that people don’t break their vows or ever get divorced; it’s that the commitment in a marriage is far more serious than just having a boyfriend. It’s buying instead of renting. It’s taking a full-time position instead of a temp position. A boyfriend may become a husband but they are not one and the same.
In fact, the woman who inspired this piece told me about her previous boyfriend who ghosted her after four years. Husbands will occasionally do that, but the integration of life partnership signifies something larger than “we enjoy dinner and sex on the weekends.”
“I don’t know of any happy couples.”
You may have heard the saying, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
If you come from a family of divorce, verbal abuse, cheating, narcissism, or alcoholism, it will impact how you see the world. If you married someone with these traits, that will only further solidify your view about marriage. And if you spent 10, 20, or 30 years, bending over backwards to accommodate the selfishness of some fatally flawed man, the most logical reaction to that is “never again!”
But you must keep in mind, this is only YOUR experience of marriage. It’s not THE experience of marriage. Are there a lot of bad marriages? Sure. Probably ⅔ of them. So if you’re risk-averse, you might conclude that there’s no point in taking a chance on something that doesn’t have a high success rate.
Then again, those ⅔ have nothing to do with you. I’m not advocating commitment for the sake of commitment, or marriage for the sake of marriage. In other words, my agenda is not to “get you married,” but only to point out that there are MILLIONS of happy marriages.
The same way my friend is surrounded by a lot of divorced middle-aged women who are done with marriage, I’m surrounded by a lot of happily married couples.
Is that a coincidence? Or a perfect example of “We don’t see things the way they are. We see things the way we are”?
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The point of this post – believe it or not – is not about marriage. It’s about the lens through which you view the world and the limiting beliefs we all maintain.
My friend thinks she’s in the best situation for her because she has a monogamous boyfriend 90 minutes away who gives her lots of space.
I don’t doubt that she’s content with the arrangement.
So I’ll pose the same question to you as I did to her:
Do you think that, if you had cancer, your boyfriend would pay all your bills, drive you to chemo, and devote his life to ensuring your wellness and survival? Or is he with you until there’s a bump in the road or he meets a younger woman who lives closer?
You already know the answer.
The question is what would you rather have?
A boyfriend? Or a husband?
Love,
Evan
* This article was originally published here
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