Strap yourself in for a story. It happens to be about a man but, as you’ll see, it can just as easily apply to you.
Mike is in his mid-fifties. He’s cute, charming, and successful. A self-made millionaire. Extremely well-read. Interesting to talk to at parties. Loves dogs, travel, and kids.
Mike also came from a broken home and could be classified as an avoidant attachment style. As a result, his dating patterns are generally the OPPOSITE of whatever I coach.
Looking for a long-distance relationship? Check.
Sleeping with someone quickly? Check.
Committing too quickly? Check.
Moving in before a year? Check.
Mistaking chemistry for compatibility? Check.
Trying to fix anxious, jealous, emotionally immature women? Check.
Staying in unhealthy relationships for months or years too long? Check.
We can go on, but you get the idea. This is a great person, who, despite his positive traits, makes questionable choices in love. When we talk, I think of my definition of happiness: Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
Mike’s deep-seated beliefs (based on his experience) and his refusal to let go of being a biological dad leads him to the same issues, again and again.
His belief that there are few good women in his city lead him to date long-distance.
Mike invariably finds a woman in another city or country with whom he has great chemistry, and they dive into a relationship. He often ignores the inconvenient fact that an LDR requires extensive travel and, eventually, moving her into his place within the first six months to accelerate things and keep the connection alive.
His belief that he must have his own children leads him to date 15-20 years younger.
Mike is Generation X and generally down about younger women, thinking that they’re too into social media, drinking, and their careers. If he needs a younger woman but generally doesn’t like younger women, well, you can probably see the problem.
The internal contradiction of what he finds attractive leaves him alone.
Mike values looks, intelligence and sophistication above all. He dates hot, brilliant, and accomplished women who often have anxious attachment styles, jealousy issues, and volatile communication methods. Even though he wants a nurturing career woman, he refuses to date single moms of any age, despite the fact that mothers are often nurturing.
My simple solution for Mike: let go of having kids, date an attractive, successful, single mom between 45-55 who is mature, financially independent, and family oriented. Be happy for the rest of your life because you found an equal partner who “gets you.”
Does he listen? Nope. He wants what he wants. We all do.
Now you may be reading this and shaking your head in frustration. Please don’t. If anything, I’d like you to consider how much you may have in common with him.
Do you have a belief that there are few good men in your city that allows you to dive into instant relationships with long-distance guys based on chemistry?
Do you have a fixed belief about the type of man you need to be with? College educated? Makes more money? Over 5’10”? Similar hobbies and interests?
Do you have internal contradictions that make love improbable? A gorgeous guy who only has eyes for you? A wealthy guy who is home by 6 and doesn’t travel all the time? A brilliant guy who has a high EQ, listens to you, and values your opinions as much as his own?
It’s easy to judge Mike for his refusal to compromise – and it’s easy for you to project what you think he should compromise on. But what will you compromise on?
If you’ve struggled to find a healthy relationship and you don’t know the answer, click here to talk to me. Sometimes, we’re too close to be able to see the answers in front of us.
Love,
Evan
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* This article was originally published here
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