What does compatibility mean to you?
If you’re like most people, you’d stumble for a second.
Technically, you know what compatibility is – two people who function well together. But how do you find that? Most people default to “similar values.”
Maybe that means believing in a higher power or voting a certain way.
Maybe it means higher education or wanting kids.
Maybe it’s lifestyle: hiking, travel, veganism, pets, habits, hobbies.
If the above resonates, you’re not alone and you’re not wrong. But what you’re describing isn’t compatibility. It’s similarity.
That would be like me saying I’m most compatible with another East Coast, Jewish, liberal, athletic, ambitious, opinionated, dog-loving atheist.
Naturally… my wife is none of the above.
I was reminded of this a few weeks ago while spending time with April Beyer. She’s an OG matchmaker who’s been happily married since 2009. In my world, she is the person I am most similar to: high integrity, smart, funny, visionary, no-nonsense, deeply committed to her clients. If you told me I was like April, I’d take it as a compliment.
And yet, as much as we have in common, we would be fundamentally incompatible as a couple. That alone tells you something worth exploring.
ChatGPT offers a pretty solid definition of romantic compatibility:
Romantic compatibility is a healthy and sustainable connection built on mutual respect, shared values, and the ability to navigate life together with minimal conflict…
There’s nothing wrong in that definition. By those metrics, I would be considered compatible with April or with many smart, successful women I’ve coached over the years.
But none of that touches the most important truth about compatibility:
If you’re too similar, you’re probably not compatible.
Real relationships need balance.
My friends – like me – are intense, hardworking, analytical, entrepreneurial. My wife is easygoing, happy, agreeable, content. She brings the softness, the steadiness, the joy. I bring vision, dynamism and edge. We balance each other. That’s compatibility.
Whether you call it yin/yang, masculine/feminine, or easy/difficult, our compatibility doesn’t rest on our similarity but our DIFFERENCES.
Which means when you’re dating online and looking for a guy “just like you,” you’re falling into the biggest trap that keeps you single. Compatibility isn’t about finding your clone.
It’s about finding your complement.
And if you’ve gone your whole life without a partner who truly fits, I want you to know: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just missing a framework on how to choose a partner. And you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Love,
Evan
P.S. I have three more coaching slots for 2025. If you want to feel emotionally safe, deeply understood, and partnered with someone who complements your life in 2026, let’s talk.
* This article was originally published here
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