A student journalist reached out to me for an interview last week. Her thesis: everything sucks. Men. Porn. AI. Dating apps. She wanted my thoughts to validate her story. What I offered was something quite different: I acknowledged her experience and challenged her to consider a different point of view. We ended up speaking for a half hour about not falling prey to the dominant narrative – not because it doesn’t have a basis in truth – but because it’s never the entire truth. And once you give in to the “all is lost” worldview, indeed, you’ll live your life as if all is lost.
I wrote the below piece in September after a series of articles that reinforced the premise that marriage is dead and men are the reason. I eagerly submitted it to the New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, The Wall St. Journal, and The Free Press. All passed, as is their right.
Today, I wanted to share it with you – if only to give a few thousand readers a dose of optimism that I think we need. Thank you for reading. I look forward to your thoughts.
In Defense of Love by Evan Marc Katz
Earlier this summer, readers were told by the New York Times that men have ‘disappeared,’ that women are weary of ‘mankeeping,’ and that wanting them is ‘trouble.’ The message, echoed across widely shared essays, is unmistakable: heterosexual relationships are doomed, and men are largely to blame.
After 22 years of coaching smart, successful women through the dating landscape, I can acknowledge the truth behind the critiques. Men are struggling socially and economically. Women are frustrated with their options. Dating apps have exacerbated the problem, amplifying the worst behavior. For those who’ve endured verbal abuse, stalking, or violence, it makes sense to view men with suspicion. Yet this growing chorus of hetero-pessimism leaves out something important: despite it all, most of us are happier when we’re in love than when we’re alone.
While men are not all broken, the system itself may be. Technology has stripped away human connection, the very thing that once made relationships feel intentional. The result is a single population – women and men alike – who feel unseen, unsafe, and easily discarded.
It’s no wonder that many have embraced what I call Safe Solitude. If all your previous relationships ended in disappointment, being alone may feel like the only sane option. After years of dating anxiety or a painful divorce, women often tell me they finally feel like themselves again now that they’re single. They have work, friends, family, hobbies, pets, and travel. They may want a partner but they don’t need a partner. For those women, Safe Solitude feels like freedom and protection.
Yet this freedom comes at a cost. By never allowing anyone in, no one can ever hurt you. But no one can fully love you either. The very strategy that keeps pain at bay also blocks the possibility of support and companionship.
This is the crux of hetero-optimism: believing in love, even when painful experience tells you otherwise. To those who’ve repeatedly chosen the wrong partners, optimism feels naïve, even dangerous. Yet, in truth, it’s the opposite. Hetero-optimism is a strategic stance rooted in data and human history.
Study after study shows that people in healthy long-term relationships are happier than their single peers. The Harvard Study of Adult Development – the longest-running longitudinal study of its kind – concludes that “good relationships keep us happier and healthier.” Arthur C. Brooks, drawing on decades of evidence, puts it plainly: “Happiness is love. Full stop.” The Atlantic recently reported that “married men and women ages 25 to 55 are more than twice as likely to be ‘very happy’ with life as their nonmarried peers.”
Hetero-pessimists are quick to point to competing research showing that single women are happier than unhappily married women. That has been true in the past but it’s also a false binary. It leaves out tens of millions of couples who find fulfillment in strong, supportive marriages. A good partnership raises the ceiling on human happiness in ways that friendships, however deep, rarely do. This is why so many of my high-achieving clients, despite their close friendships, often feel lonely and exhausted. They’ve spent their lives taking care of their kids, their exes, and their aging parents. They want someone to finally take care of them.
The good news is that men are more capable of doing that than ever before. Today’s partners are, on average, more emotionally available and invested in couplehood than their fathers and grandfathers were. While we haven’t fully closed the wage gap or the household labor gap, progress is undeniable. As psychologist Eli Finkel, author of The All or Nothing Marriage, has observed: “The average marriage is in decline but the best marriages may be the best we’ve ever seen.” More fulfilling. More egalitarian. More self-actualizing.
Although there are valid reasons to be cynical, cynicism isn’t empowering – in politics, in climate change, or in love. Cynicism ultimately leads to retreat: into fear, suspicion, and self-protection. That may feel safe, but it comes at too high a cost to a society that desperately needs more connection.
I’d like to suggest a new narrative, one that validates pain but still points to possibility; one that acknowledges technology has made dating more difficult, but insists that love is still worth fighting for. As a happily married man for 17 years, my work as a dating coach isn’t about selling fairy tales. It’s about reminding people of a truth that pessimism obscures: human beings are wired for connection, and despite the messiness of relationships, most of us are still better off with love in our lives.
If, after reading this, you decide solitude is your path, I respect that choice. But imagine you could have a partner who loves you unconditionally and puts your needs first. A partner who makes you coffee in the morning, takes you hiking in the afternoon, and makes love to you before bed. Imagine you’re with that person until you’re the 90-year-old couple holding hands in the park, deeply content with the life you’ve built.
Virtually nobody says no to that offer. And that should tell us something: while hetero-fatalism may feel safe, hetero-optimism – or simply believing in love – is the only stance that makes lasting love possible.
Love,
Evan
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* This article was originally published here
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