This is a story about me and my wife. While you’re reading it, I’d like you to decide whether you’re more like her or like me.
I’m a maximizer. That’s someone who could have 90% of what he’s looking for but remains dissatisfied because he wants 95%. As a maximizer, not only is it important for me to live up to my potential, but it’s important to continually learn and improve. While reading and personal growth may make me smarter, they also make me more opinionated. Because I like to share my opinions, I’m more likely to find differences with others. And because I’m more likely to find differences with others, I’m more likely to be single. That’s why I went on 300 dates over 10 years. I was looking for someone who was a lot like me, but better: smarter, cooler, funnier, more cultured. Maximizers are known to aim higher and achieve more, but they’re not as happy because they focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.
My wife is a satisficer – someone who is generally content with life. She had the same job for 16 years before we had kids. She has barely done therapy because she doesn’t have much anxiety or complaints about the world. She enjoys things like sitcom reruns, Dave Matthews Band, mac and cheese, and extra sweet cocktails. As a 55-year-old middle of the road suburban mom, she likes everybody and everybody likes her. Her superpower is her ability to see all sides of a situation and not to overreact to things. For this reason, she was a serial monogamist who could always find another guy to love after 1 or 2 months between relationships. If I passed away, I would expect my wife to find another guy pretty quickly.
I intentionally painted a stark picture of our differences. On one hand, you have a guy who is perpetually discontent and aims to create the change he wants to see in himself and the world. On the other, you have a woman who doesn’t complain, doesn’t make waves, sees the good in everyone, and has that positive worldview reflected back to her.
I think it’s patently obvious that, between the two of us, my wife is the Type-O partner. Like the universal blood type, you can give her to anyone and he would probably be happy. As for me, because I’m a little edgier, more opinionated, and critical, it’s going to be a LOT harder for me to find a compatible partner.
Since I don’t believe you can (or should) change your personality, it’s important to see your own limitations. If you’re another Type-O person who easily blends into other people’s world, your dating options are numerous; if anything, you might want to be MORE selective in how you choose your partner.
But if you’re a maximizer like me, you might want to adopt some of my wife’s tendencies. This is not settling; this is wisdom. Once I became less critical and more agreeable, I got happily married. I believe you can, too.
Remember: no woman is for everyone but EVERY woman is for someone.
Click here to find your person, no matter what your personality.
Love,
Evan
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* This article was originally published here
