You’ve been having sex for decades. You’re sexually liberated, comfortable in your own skin, and can communicate what turns you on. You like sex. And when you haven’t been having sex for a long period of time, sometimes, you just want to have sex with the cute guy who is flirting hard with you on the third date.
No one – especially not me – would blame you for your desire. Lust is primal, and sometimes you just have to indulge it and deal with the consequences. So, what are the most common consequences of sleeping with a man who is not your boyfriend?
1. Things continue casually without commitment
If a guy enjoys your company but doesn’t see you as a girlfriend, sleeping together usually cements that. He’ll keep things fun and easy, but he won’t be escalating the relationship. Next thing you know, seeing him for three or four months but he’s NOT your boyfriend.
2. He disappears or loses interest
Some men see sex as the finish line. Once they get it, the curiosity fades. If he wasn’t that serious to begin with, intimacy accelerates his exit. If you’ve ever slept with a guy who ghosts entirely or does the slow fade over a few weeks, you know how bad it feels.
3. You feel more attached than he does
Women release oxytocin during sex, which deepens emotional bonding. Men don’t release it to the same degree. That’s why women often feel closer after sex, while men may be unchanged. In other words, you may want to separate sex from emotion, but when you’re sleeping with someone regularly, it’s not always easy to do.
4. You’re stuck in limbo
He’s still texting and seeing you, but there’s no forward movement. You’re giving him girlfriend benefits without a commitment, and you’re left wondering if you’re more than a hookup. Plus, you’re too afraid to say anything because the second you bring up commitment, you know that it’s all over.
5. It becomes a relationship — but only if it was headed that way already
The rarest outcome. Men who commit after sex were already seeing you as potential girlfriend material before you slept together. Sex doesn’t turn a casual guy into a serious partner; it just confirms his existing intentions.
What’s Most Likely on the Third Date
If you sleep with a man on the third date, here’s what happens most often:
- If he’s serious and emotionally available, it won’t change a thing. He’ll keep pursuing you.
- If he’s just in it for fun, sleeping together makes it obvious sooner rather than later. The wrong guys fade, the right guys stick.
(For a deeper dive, I wrote a viral post on why women should wait for sex that you may find eye-opening.)
The Probability Curve
Based on both science and 20 years of coaching, here’s how things usually break down after early sex (first 3–5 dates):
- 40% – Things fizzle quickly (ghosting, pullback, minimal effort)
- 35% – It continues casually without commitment (situationship, no clarity)
- 20% – It becomes a short-term relationship (3–6 months)
- 5% – It turns into a healthy long-term relationship
Sex doesn’t scare away the right guy, but it can make it harder to discern between the ones who want to commit and the ones who don’t.
(And if you’ve already slept with him sooner than you’d like, don’t panic. I did a Love U Podcast episode on exactly what to do next and another on the difference between sex and commitment that may help you reset your mindset.)
Here’s the takeaway:
You can sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want. But if you’re looking for love, it often serves you to wait until you know he’s a boyfriend before you act like a girlfriend.
If you’ve been getting stuck in this gray area with men, let’s talk. I’ll show you how to stop giving your heart and body to men who aren’t investing equally in you.
Love,
Evan
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* This article was originally published here
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