The viral article of the week was called “The Trouble With Wanting Men.”
It’s a long and well-written piece about a straight woman who, like most single women, is frustrated with her inability to find a partner.
But if that’s all it was, it wouldn’t have gone viral. There have been way too many thinkpieces about what’s wrong with men, including another one in the New York Times last month that I haven’t even had an opportunity to write about yet.
What made this mini-novella so share-worthy is its lack of self-awareness. The author was married, “opened up” her relationship, fell in love with another man, expected that man to commit to her, and continues to hop into bed with men who aren’t committed to her.
And her big question is “what’s wrong with men?”
It’s so patronizing. It starts from the place that she’s right and everyone else is wrong, and can’t even conceive that she may be the common denominator in her frustrations.
She has henceforth coined the term “hetero-fatalism” to describe her plight.
Talk about a misdiagnosis.
“The men I want are not wanting me badly enough, not communicating with me clearly enough, not devoting themselves to me: All this certainly seems calamitous enough to warrant an “ism.” And if it is an “ism,” the problem cannot be me. It must be men, right? Men are what is rotten in the state of straightness, and why shouldn’t we have an all-inclusive byword for our various pessimisms about them?”
From her writing, the author is clearly brilliant, yet she doesn’t comprehend that a) lots of guys will sleep with you and not want a relationship, and b) there’s nothing wrong with a guy who sleeps with you and doesn’t want a relationship.
The only common denominator is that the author keeps sleeping with emotionally unavailable men and being surprised that they’re emotionally unavailable.
It doesn’t take a dating coach to point this out. If you check out the reader comments, you’ll see hundreds of strangers point out the exact same thing.
While I’m sympathetic to any woman who is struggling with the very real issues of the day: swiping, texting, infinite choice on dating apps, and the reality that 90% of men aren’t worthy, it still remains incumbent upon women to take responsibility for their choices.
- If you choose to open your marriage, you can’t be surprised you fell for someone else.
- If you left your marriage for another person in the poly community, you can’t be surprised that he doesn’t want to commit.
- If you’re attracted to and sleep with the type of man who is more interested in freedom than commitment, you can’t be surprised that it’s hard to find a partner.
Even more than her individual choices, the biggest takeaway I had was how “heterofatalism” is just a horrible life philosophy. In the author’s words:
“One thing heterofatalism reflects is a persistent lack of faith that those we desire will be able to recognize us as commensurately human.”
Wait, so if I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life with you – and by the way, this applied to 300 women before I met my wife – I don’t see you as HUMAN?
Can you see how such language turns men into soulless monsters instead of normal, human beings who ALSO have tortured relationships with their parents and exes and are ALSO confused about how much chemistry, compatibility and commitment they want?
Please, for your sake, stay away from any woman who thinks the worst of men – she may have her valid reasons for feeling that way – but she’s not going to be the role model you need to attract and connect with a quality, commitment-oriented man.
Love,
Evan
Learn to date with joy and confidence
* This article was originally published here
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